Month: October 2019

Are you emotionally connected to your child? I hope so! Countless research over the years has shown the importance of a child’s secure emotional attachment with their mothers, or primary caretakers, especially during the early years. (For more information on this topic, refer to the research done by Dr. John Bowlby or Dr. Mary Ainsworth). A child’s secure emotional attachment with his mother leads to long-term secure attachment in all of his relationships throughout his lifetime (friends, spouse, etc.).

As you know, a child acts out for many reasons. As a mother, it is so important that you don’t just assume that your child is acting out because he is being obstinate or defiant. Instead, it is important for you to identify the reason for his tantrum or outburst. Additionally, try to give your child the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he is not purposefully misbehaving but just frustrated or tired.

I am not an expert, but I can briefly identify four main possible categories for a child’s misbehavior:

• Physical needs: hungry, tired, or developmentally delayed
• Emotional needs: feeling bored, frustrated, or not heard/misunderstood
• Modeling behavior: copying tantrums they see from other adults or siblings
• Defiant behavior: acting in defiance after being told “no”

In order to identify the reason for your child’s outburst, you need to have already gained his trust. Once you gain his trust, he will feel safe enough to share with you. In other words, he needs to know that you care more about him and the relationship than you do about your own frustration or anger.

So how do you connect in this way with your child? I have come up with a four step strategy: Look, Listen, Acknowledge, and Respond.

Disclaimer: In reference to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, physical needs take precedence. For example, children should always feel safe first and foremost, and also be on a schedule for sleeping and eating.

Step 1: Look – Ask your child to look at you. Kneel down, get on his level, and look him calmly in the eyes. It may even help to softly cradle his face. Wait until he is calm to initiate the next step.

Step 2: Listen – After getting him to calm down, ask him what’s wrong and why he is upset. It is good training to get him to verbalize his emotions and the reason behind them.

Disclaimer: If a child is tired or hungry, he may not be able to verbalize this, so the tantrum may continue. So then you may try asking, “Are you hungry? Tired?” If no answer, try feeding him or lying him down. Always assess/respond to physical needs first.

Step 3: Acknowledge – Take as many guesses as you can to figure out why your child is upset. Then acknowledge his frustration. For example, “I know you’re trying to tell me something. What is it? It must be frustrating for you that I don’t understand what you’re saying. Try to tell me again.” For a toddler learning to talk, it may be helpful for you to have him use body language to show you what he is trying to say (ex. walk you over to or point to something).

Step 4: Respond – Help your child to come up with a solution that will work for both of you. Sometimes it will be a “no” for what you don’t want them to do but maybe a “yes” for something else. Other times it’s as simple as you misunderstood what the child was asking, and once the misunderstanding is cleared up, he feels heard and understood.

It’s a lot of hard work to stay in tune with your child, but in the end it is so worth it. This positive way of listening and responding will create a safe and secure bond that can last a lifetime…even through their teenage years!

Please comment below if this article has been helpful for you!