For the first year of being a mother, I remember feeling very anxious and overwhelmed. I also remember getting frustrated and disappointed in myself. During this frustrating time, I remember reading an article that discussed how parenthood is like a skill that needs to be developed, and that it gets easier and better with time. Well now that I have a toddler and a baby, I couldn’t agree more with this statement. Just like any new job or career, there is a learning curve, and even a bigger learning curve for being a parent. Why? Because you are simultaneously learning several different things: learning your child’s temperament, learning how to parent (various age levels), and also learning to adjust to your new identity as a mother. Lastly, you are learning how to balance it all: self, wife, mother, sister, friend, etc. Therefore, be patient with and kind to yourself, mama. You are learning. You will get there. It won’t always be this hard.
During the adjustment phase, you may go through a grieving period – grieving the loss of your old self, your old way of life, your old marriage, etc. This grieving process is healthy and completely normal, because after all, you AREN’T the same person anymore, and your life and marriage ARE completely different. I think how you handle this grieving process is key to your future happiness as a mother. You can either DENY the loss, or you can grieve and embrace it; your choice. Now that I’ve been a mom for about three years, I finally feel like I’m at the tail end of this grieving process and learning to let go.
Learning to let go of what? Of myself…of my expectations, needs, and desires for certain things. To clarify, I don’t mean to completely lose yourself in your children, but this phase of life requires a lot of maturity and self-sacrifice, and with that comes a lot of letting go. The sooner you learn to let go, the happier and more at peace you will be as a mother. Now I will describe of a FEW of the things that I have learned to let go of as a mother.
Letting go of…
The expectation that you and your husband will perfectly share parenting duties
For most traditional couples, parenting duties will never be equally shared between the mother and father, and that’s okay. Let me explain. For the first year or two of motherhood I remember being frustrated that I spent more time and energy on my kids than my husband did. But lately I have realized that God created men and women to have equal value, but differing responsibilities. For example, my biggest burden is TAKING CARE of my home and children, and my husband’s biggest burden is PROVIDING for our home and family. Sometimes I wish my husband had a bigger burden for the smallest needs of our children. Other times my husband wishes that I had a bigger burden for budgeting and saving our money. Despite our wishes, this is not how God created us. I will never care as much as he does about the budget, and he will never care as much as I do about a child’s stuffy nose. Now that I have accepted this, I have more peace and joy as a mother and wife, and find myself less resentful towards my husband.
The expectation that you will get to eat when you’re hungry
Before I had small children, I could usually eat whenever I was hungry. Now that I have kids, many times I have to wait minutes or hours until I can start eating, and then another half hour or hour before I can finish eating (due to frequent interruptions). I used to be more upset about it, but now I’ve learned to accept it, and so has my appetite. One thing I’ve learned: eat as quickly and creatively as possible! 🙂
Your desire for sleep (and the expectation that you will get to sleep whenever you’re tired)
I have been more tired in the past three years of being a mother than I was in the 32 years before becoming a mom. As a result, I’ve had to learn to “embrace” being tired, as much as possible. I’ve also had to learn to let go of my desire for sleep many times. Before I had kids, I could take a nap or go to bed early whenever I was tired. Now that I have small kids, naps and early bedtimes are completely random and totally dependent on the children. So for example, now instead of coming home from church with the expectation to nap, I resolve that I likely won’t get to nap, which helps me greatly to not get so disappointed. When I’m really tired I just try to trust that God will provide for my needs, as I provide for my children’s needs, and that being tired never killed anyone.
Your desire for a break from your children
When you’re a mom, especially a stay-at-home mom, there are many days when you long for a break from your children. Despite this fact, I’ve found that it makes things worse for me to focus on my desire for a break because then when I don’t get a break, I am sorely disappointed. And then my husband will surprise me with breaks when I least expect it. I guess this is another area of parenthood that requires trust in the Lord. God will give you a break when He knows you really need it, and until then, He will give you the patience and strength to endure.
In conclusion, give yourself time to adjust, grieve the losses of what used to be, and let go of certain desires or expectations. (That being said, it is still very important to assert your desires, needs, and expectations to your spouse. But after you’ve said it, let it go.) And remember, motherhood gets easier with time, as you learn your child, how to parent, and your new identity as a mother. Therefore, be patient and forgiving of yourself, and remember, God brought you to it, and He will bring you through it.
Please comment below with any comments or questions!