When I was young, between the ages of about five and eleven, our home was not always a happy place. My mother struggled with depression and alcoholism, she was not always there, and my parents argued off and on. After several years of discord, when I was about eleven years old, my mother left my father, and the instability continued for a couple more years. Because my parents had marital issues, and my dad was frequently worried about my mother and their marriage, my brother, sister, and I became quite close. When we were upset or crying, many times we would go to each other, instead of to our parents. We would confide in one another and share our worries or fears, sometimes talking until late into the night. In some sense, we became each other’s safe place. It’s interesting because many times siblings who experience trauma together actually become closer and more bonded to one another, partly because of the depth of pain and sadness that they experienced together. It’s almost like the trauma itself bonded them.
Similarly, when my daughter Ava was born, she had some health concerns. She was delayed on her milestones, and she wouldn’t eat enough and was underweight. I took her to a feeding clinic and my husband and I were always trying to get her to drink more milk. Additionally, when she was six months old, I noticed her right leg was “swollen,” which resulted in a diagnosis of Lymphadema, which then turned into a diagnosis of a genetic disorder. Basically, for her first year or two of life, we took her to many doctor’s appointments. During this time, we often worried about her and prayed for her to be healthy and strong. After those couple of years, God heard our prayers, and Ava is now a healthy, strong three-year-old girl, and we rarely worry about her now. That being said, because of that trauma in which Ava and I experienced together, we will always have a strong, deep connection. Perhaps she knows that I am her safe place and that I will always go the extra mile for her, and I am just so grateful that she is healthy and strong. Once again, trauma bonded us closer together.
As I grow older, I realize that trauma not only bonds us to other human beings, but it also bonds us closer to the Lord. For example, because the Lord allowed Ava to have those health issues, I have learned to lean on Him and to trust Him so much more, specifically in the area of health issues. I have three children, so sometimes it seems like we are always dealing with some virus or infection. However, now I no longer let myself Google their symptoms or try to figure things out on my own. Instead, I try to wait for a doctor’s suggestion, or to sense the Holy Spirit’s prompting for when to take them to the doctor, and strive to be at peace with the unknowns and the waiting periods. Also, instead of jumping to the worst conclusion, I now try to pray, “Lord, you’ve always taken care of my children, and I know that You will do it again. Thank You for how You are working now to heal them and care for them.” I’m still a work in progress, but I have definitely seen improvement in this area of my life.
Additionally, through that experience with Ava, I have also learned that God is truly the only One that we can consistently count on for emotional support. Many times a friend or family member would support me during this difficult time, but sometimes no one was there, and that is when this quote became true for me, “When God is all you have, you realize that God is all you need.” Whether I was worrying or crying alone, He was there for me.
As a child, trauma bonded me to my siblings. As a mother, trauma bonded me with my daughter. And as a child of God, any trauma, or suffering, can bind me closer to the Lord, if we allow it to. So the next time I go through a difficult time in my life, I hope that I can remind myself that God is simply trying to draw me closer to Him, and may that be my ultimate goal.