Author: eking8689

For the first year of being a mother, I remember feeling very anxious and overwhelmed. I also remember getting frustrated and disappointed in myself. During this frustrating time, I remember reading an article that discussed how parenthood is like a skill that needs to be developed, and that it gets easier and better with time. Well now that I have a toddler and a baby, I couldn’t agree more with this statement. Just like any new job or career, there is a learning curve, and even a bigger learning curve for being a parent. Why? Because you are simultaneously learning several different things: learning your child’s temperament, learning how to parent (various age levels), and also learning to adjust to your new identity as a mother. Lastly, you are learning how to balance it all: self, wife, mother, sister, friend, etc. Therefore, be patient with and kind to yourself, mama. You are learning. You will get there. It won’t always be this hard.

During the adjustment phase, you may go through a grieving period – grieving the loss of your old self, your old way of life, your old marriage, etc. This grieving process is healthy and completely normal, because after all, you AREN’T the same person anymore, and your life and marriage ARE completely different. I think how you handle this grieving process is key to your future happiness as a mother. You can either DENY the loss, or you can grieve and embrace it; your choice. Now that I’ve been a mom for about three years, I finally feel like I’m at the tail end of this grieving process and learning to let go.

Learning to let go of what? Of myself…of my expectations, needs, and desires for certain things. To clarify, I don’t mean to completely lose yourself in your children, but this phase of life requires a lot of maturity and self-sacrifice, and with that comes a lot of letting go. The sooner you learn to let go, the happier and more at peace you will be as a mother. Now I will describe of a FEW of the things that I have learned to let go of as a mother.

Letting go of…

The expectation that you and your husband will perfectly share parenting duties

For most traditional couples, parenting duties will never be equally shared between the mother and father, and that’s okay. Let me explain. For the first year or two of motherhood I remember being frustrated that I spent more time and energy on my kids than my husband did. But lately I have realized that God created men and women to have equal value, but differing responsibilities. For example, my biggest burden is TAKING CARE of my home and children, and my husband’s biggest burden is PROVIDING for our home and family. Sometimes I wish my husband had a bigger burden for the smallest needs of our children. Other times my husband wishes that I had a bigger burden for budgeting and saving our money. Despite our wishes, this is not how God created us. I will never care as much as he does about the budget, and he will never care as much as I do about a child’s stuffy nose. Now that I have accepted this, I have more peace and joy as a mother and wife, and find myself less resentful towards my husband.

The expectation that you will get to eat when you’re hungry

Before I had small children, I could usually eat whenever I was hungry. Now that I have kids, many times I have to wait minutes or hours until I can start eating, and then another half hour or hour before I can finish eating (due to frequent interruptions). I used to be more upset about it, but now I’ve learned to accept it, and so has my appetite. One thing I’ve learned: eat as quickly and creatively as possible! 🙂

Your desire for sleep (and the expectation that you will get to sleep whenever you’re tired)

I have been more tired in the past three years of being a mother than I was in the 32 years before becoming a mom. As a result, I’ve had to learn to “embrace” being tired, as much as possible. I’ve also had to learn to let go of my desire for sleep many times. Before I had kids, I could take a nap or go to bed early whenever I was tired. Now that I have small kids, naps and early bedtimes are completely random and totally dependent on the children. So for example, now instead of coming home from church with the expectation to nap, I resolve that I likely won’t get to nap, which helps me greatly to not get so disappointed. When I’m really tired I just try to trust that God will provide for my needs, as I provide for my children’s needs, and that being tired never killed anyone.

Your desire for a break from your children

When you’re a mom, especially a stay-at-home mom, there are many days when you long for a break from your children. Despite this fact, I’ve found that it makes things worse for me to focus on my desire for a break because then when I don’t get a break, I am sorely disappointed. And then my husband will surprise me with breaks when I least expect it. I guess this is another area of parenthood that requires trust in the Lord. God will give you a break when He knows you really need it, and until then, He will give you the patience and strength to endure.

In conclusion, give yourself time to adjust, grieve the losses of what used to be, and let go of certain desires or expectations. (That being said, it is still very important to assert your desires, needs, and expectations to your spouse. But after you’ve said it, let it go.) And remember, motherhood gets easier with time, as you learn your child, how to parent, and your new identity as a mother. Therefore, be patient and forgiving of yourself, and remember, God brought you to it, and He will bring you through it.

Please comment below with any comments or questions!

While the first article I wrote (“How to Stay Happily Married After Baby”) was about staying happily married after you have your first baby together, this article is more related to staying happily married after you have your second (or third) baby together (but many of the principles can be applied to either situation).

My husband and I both agree that the transition from one to two kids has had a different set of advantages and challenges (on the marriage) than the transition to one child did.

Regarding advantages, with the second child, we are more knowledgeable about babies (and therefore less anxious), more skilled at working as a parenting team (and therefore not arguing over every little thing), and also more ready and prepared, as we knew better what to expect.

Regarding challenges, with the second child, there is twice as much work to do, which results in more stress and even less time together. Also, the second child isn’t as new and exciting as the first one, so that element isn’t there to take the edge off. And lastly, you are getting less sleep with having both a baby and a toddler than when you just had one baby.

Needless to say, although the transition has been somewhat difficult on our marriage, we are learning to manage, better and better with each month that passes. And I’m sure we will continue to learn more as time goes on.

Instead of viewing this season of our marriage as just something to survive and get through, I want to make it something enjoyable for both of us. I want us both to look back on this time period of young kids with affection and fondness, towards our kids, and also towards each other.

So here are some things that my husband and I have learned to do (or try to do) in order for our marriage to thrive during this season of parenting young children. Maybe one or two of these suggestions will be helpful for you and your marriage.

Prioritize Sleep

Going from one to two kids means even less sleep than before. And we all know that little sleep leads to agitation and arguing with each other. As a result, it is so important that you prioritize getting sleep. You cannot effectively work on your marriage until you are getting decent rest. So invest in the sleep training books, hire a babysitter, whatever it takes. Just do your best to get some sleep.

Say Three Things You Appreciate

It is so easy to feel unappreciated by your spouse for all of the things you do, for your kids, for your home, and for your marriage. Over time, feeling unappreciated can lead to feelings of bitterness and resentment. During times when we have felt this way, we have learned to say three SPECIFIC things at the end of each day that we appreciate that the other person did. For example, one of us might say, “I appreciate you watching the kids for an hour today so that I could go for a walk” or “I appreciate you cleaning up the kitchen today.” We have found this intentional thanking to really be a blessing for our marriage, especially during this season of constant service and giving of one’s self.

Ten Minutes of Talk Time (Uninterrupted)

When you have small kids, it is so difficult to have uninterrupted conversations with your spouse. Over time, if you’re not careful, you may start limiting your conversations altogether, due to the frustrations over being interrupted. As a result, we have learned (and been advised) that it helps us to stay better connected by putting the kids in their rooms/cribs, and spending at least ten minutes a day talking together (without the kids present). We feel that this action will help to keep us close and connected, and I really think it will help your relationship too.

Give Each Other Breaks

My husband and I each need some alone time in order to feel rejuvenated and refreshed. If we don’t get this time, we end up being more irritable with each other and sometimes also with the kids. As a result, we have learned to give each other breaks from the kids. Ideally this would happen daily, but if not, just as often as we are able to do it. Sometimes it might offering to watch the kids so that the other one can go on a walk/run, read a book, or go for a drive. We just know that these breaks are vital to our own personal health and to the health of our marriage.

Go on Family Walks

Sometimes it really helps to take the edge off of things for us to go outside on a family walk together. A hike through the woods is sometimes just what we need to regain perspective and clear thinking. It also helps to keep my son occupied so that my husband and I can talk. Also, being in nature really helps to connect us as a family, as we are able to bond together over the beauty around us, and also over witnessing the wonder of a child.

Schedule Dates and Overnight Trips

With the more kids you have, the less couple time you have together. As a result, we have found it to be more important now than ever before to schedule dates and overnight trips. We try to do a date every 2-3 weeks, but I would advise doing them on a weekly basis, as it would give each person something to look forward to each week. We have also been on a few overnight trips without the kids, and this has been very rejuvenating for our marriage. Something about being away for a whole day and night really helps you to unwind and to remember why you fell in love.

Please comment below if this article has been helpful for you, or if you can relate to some of the topics presented. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

One day I’ll have uninterrupted sleep.
One day I’ll wake up to an alarm instead of a crying baby.
One day I’ll have hobbies and complete personal goals.
One day I’ll be able to listen to a full sermon at church.
One day I’ll experience a relaxing vacation.
One day I’ll have a clean house in the middle of the day.
One day I’ll do my dishes without constant interruptions.
One day I’ll work full-time and advance my career.
One day I’ll eat my meals sitting down.
One day I’ll socialize with friends after 8pm.
One day I’ll spend quiet time with my husband each day.

But today is NOT that day.

Today I will embrace all of this, because I know that one day…

I will miss the mess.
I will miss the noise.
I will miss the chaos.

One day…I will miss all…of…this.

In a resume for work, you often post skills that the employer might find helpful for the job to which you are applying. Similarly, if someone were applying for the job of “mom of young kids,” the following skills might be helpful to have on your resume. Hope this gives you a good laugh!

1. Ability to function well on minimal sleep (without biting everyone’s head off)
2. Ability to text (proper spelling/grammar) while holding a squirmy, fussy baby
3. Ability to inhale your food at a moment’s notice (or you may not get to eat at all)
4. Ability to hold a half asleep baby while using the restroom…and then pull up your pants
5. Ability to clean up messes or pick up items…with your feet/toes
6. Ability to calmly and safely drive while tuning out crying, whining, shrieking, yelling, fighting, thrown toys, and your name being called fifty times
7. Ability to gracefully maneuver car seats, and children in car seats…without banging your head or theirs
8. Ability to talk sweetly to (and not yell at) your baby or toddler after they just gave you a black eye (ouch!)
9. Ability to change poopy diapers with a squirmy baby on your lap, while sitting in the driver’s seat of your car
10. Ability to count your blessings and to remember that, in the end, it’s all worth it!

Please comment below if you can relate to any of this!

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matt. 25:21

As mothers, so many things we do each day seem to lack significance, immediate results, and appreciation from others. So many days we collapse into our pillows at night, just wanting a hug or reassurance that we are doing a good job. Many times, instead of receiving this comfort, we either receive no response from others or else we receive judgment.

Our current culture either tells us 1) You aren’t doing enough or 2) You need to go back to work. We are often told that we need to always feed healthy meals to our kids, not let them have any screen time, read to them all day long, spend countless hours outside, etc. So at the end of a hard day of changing diapers, wiping noses, cleaning up messes, and answering questions, instead of feeling accomplished and fulfilled, we end up feeling defeated and tired.

So I want to encourage you, mama. If you are trying your best…you are doing a good job. If you love your children with all your heart…you are doing a good job. If you are learning and growing each day…you are doing a good job.

Also, please remember that your day should not be measured by your own, or other people’s, approval and accolades.  Instead, your day should be measured by your faithfulness to Jesus, and His faithfulness to you.

First of all, Jesus gave you these children as a test of your faithfulness. From the Bible, do you remember the parable of the talents in Matthew 25? This parable is referencing how to be ready for the second coming of Jesus. To one man he gave one talent, to another two talents, and to another five talents. Both the man with two talents and the man with five talents invested it and made more money. In response, Jesus told both of them, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” (Matt. 25:21)

When you ask Jesus to guide your parenting every moment of the day, and you try your best to follow His promptings, you are showing yourself to be faithful. And He is ever so proud of you!

Secondly, to Jesus, you have the most important job on earth – molding children’s character into His likeness. Also, in Matthew 25 Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” (Matt. 25:40)

Many times it feels like 95% of things we do as moms goes unrecognized or unseen, but to Jesus, NOTHING you do or endure with your children goes unseen. Every nose you wipe, diaper you change, mess you clean up, tear you wipe…Jesus sees it all. He sees that you were up all night long taking care of your sick baby (when you could’ve slept and ignored him). He sees that you talk sweetly to your child even when you feel like yelling. He sees how you get up out of bed early each morning to make your kids’ breakfast (even when you’ve been up most of the night before). He sees your faithfulness each moment of every day. He also sees your difficulties, your tears, your anxieties, etc. He sees it all. He is your faithful witness.

Lastly, some days you won’t be as faithful. Some days you will get impatient, lose your temper, slack on things, but remember, Jesus says, “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Cor. 12:9). Jesus doesn’t ask for perfection. He just asks for growth and for your best intentions. Ask forgiveness from him (and maybe your children if appropriate), and accept His grace. He sees your heart. He sees how much you love your children.

In conclusion, perhaps on the hardest of days, instead of focusing on how tired or overwhelmed you are, or how little you feel appreciated, focus on going to heaven, looking into Jesus’ face, and hearing Him say, “Well done, Mama!”

Please comment below if this article has been an encouragement for you.

I’ve never felt so overwhelmed as I have since becoming a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Currently I have two boys (2 years old and 7 months old) and many days it’s all I can do just to get through the day. Staying at home may not be the high intensity type of stress as a medical or corporate job. However, it is the constant, no break nature of the job that makes it so stressful – constant demands of your time, energy, and attention. Whether it’s cleaning up a mess or responding to a child’s cry, you are needed 24/7. You don’t get a break to eat, sleep, or even use the bathroom. (In fact, these necessities of life become luxuries when done alone.)

In addition, you don’t have time for your previous coping strategies. For example, maybe you used to cry when you felt overwhelmed, and now you don’t even have five minutes to yourself to sit down and cry. As a result, many SAHM moms often end up feeling drained and overwhelmed.

So if you are a SAHM (or any kind of mom), here are a few tips to help when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Many of these I have either learned from experience, or from the advice of other women who have been mothers much longer than I have.

• Turn to the Lord – pray for patience and strength all day everyday. Also, quote Bible verses regarding God’s provision and the strength He provides. For example, “My Grace is sufficient for thee” (2 Cor. 12:9) helps me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. (Refer to my page on my favorite Bible verses that I quote when I’m feeling overwhelmed.)

• Take daily breaks – if possible, take at least one break every day, and by “break” I mean time alone and without the children. Maybe it’s during naptime or maybe it’s when your husband gets home. Even if it’s just thirty minutes of sitting in your car and reading a book while you sip a hot drink, take the break. If you don’t, you will lose your sanity and patience. Just a short amount of time away from the kids can revive and renew your spirit. And for the days that you don’t have time for breaks, drink in each of the three quiet minutes here and there throughout the day. During those fleeting moments, make time slow down by closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and sipping on your drink. Trust me, it works!

• Leave the house – As a SAHM, I’ve learned to leave my house at least once a day on most days. Otherwise I end up feeling more overwhelmed due to a messy house and kids that are bored and acting out. It also helps my sanity to get out of the house and see the bigger picture. If it’s nice out, go to a park or on a walk. If it’s raining or snowing, go to the play area at a fast food restaurant (ex. McDonald’s, Burger King) or the nearest mall, or you can go to the children’s section in the library. If you live in a bigger city, consider investing in a yearly pass to the local children’s museum, zoo, or aquarium.

• Look at happy photos – sometimes on the hardest of days it really helps me to look at happy photos of my children (or me with my children) to remember that they are happy and also to remember how much I really do love them 🙂

• Make a to do list – when household chores and errands feel overwhelming, get out a pen and a paper and write them down one by one. And just tackle one chore or errand at a time. Some days all you will get done is one thing, and that’s okay. Some days you’re tired and in survival mode, and you’re a hero for just keeping the kids alive.

• Lower your expectations – it’s hard to feel very productive when you are caring for children all day every day. It’s an odd feeling to constantly feel busy and overwhelmed and yet to have few completed tasks to check off a list at the end of the day. As a result, I have learned to lower my expectations for productivity (which is difficult for me). Otherwise, I end up feeling more overwhelmed with long to do lists of uncompleted tasks.

• End of day relaxing – if you’re able to (like don’t have to work a job), have a cut off time at night where you stop working and stop doing the chores. Because you are a SAHM, your home is your work place, and so you need to have boundaries with work at home, or you will be working 24/7 and never relax.

• Set boundaries – with kids, husband, friends, family, acquaintances, etc. It’s okay to not answer your phone, cancel a play date, or to say no to people more often. It’s also ok to even say no to holding church offices. While I strongly believe in ministering to others and being involved in your local church, I also believe that being a mother to young kids is the highest calling and greatest ministry.

• Ask for help – some mothers have trouble asking for help, but it takes a village to raise children, so ask for help whenever you can, and especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Develop a support group and turn to them often. This could include your husband, parents, in-laws, siblings, friends, etc. It also may include paying a sitter to come watch the kids for a couple hours so that you can get some things done around the house. In the end, it is worth the extra money, if you have it.

• Phone a friend – many days when I’m feeling very overwhelmed, I like to phone my sister or best friend. Confiding in them about my stress or just laughing with them about silly things often takes my mind off of the overwhelming feelings.

• Listen to music – on the hardest of days, I turn to music. I will either try to sing a soft, calming Christian song (which helps to calm me and my children down) or I will listen to a similar type of song. Sometimes the words of the song speak directly to me, and I know that God is calming and uplifting my spirit.

• Buy a Bluetooth – When you have to clean up messes and carry children all day, it helps to have a hands-free device. Being able to plug into my phone wirelessly has really helped me on the hardest of days. Sometimes I’ll call a girl friend; other times I’ll just listen to my uplifting music in one ear while I listen to and respond to child needs in the other ear.

• Exercise – If you’re able to, try to do some sort of exercise at least a couple times during the week. It really helps with those overwhelming feelings, and it may actually give you a break from the kids! Consider a gym membership with a daycare program, or commit to walking/running with them in the stroller.

• Time-outs – sometimes it’s perfectly appropriate for you to take a time-out from your kids, which sometimes means that you may have to lay them in a safe place, like their crib or bed, and let them cry for awhile while you go into the other room. Alternatively, someone suggested to me to take the kids for a drive as a way of giving yourself a time-out.

• Calming slogan – repeat to yourself silently or even out loud so the kids can hear some sort of calming slogan (ex. “Everything is all right” or “Everybody just calm down”), and remember to say it in a soft, slow, calming sort of way. It can really help to lower the blood pressure and the intensity of the moment!

• Be confident – one of the hardest things for me as a mom is to believe that, with God’s help, I will be able to handle the most difficult situations. As a result, many times I psych myself out and feel more overwhelmed by perceived or actual situations than I should. Remember that you are not alone and God is right by your side. My favorite verse to claim is Isaiah 41:10 where God says, “I will strengthen you and help you.” That’s a promise. Claim it!

• Temporary – try to view the hardest situations (ex. temper tantrums, teething, sickness) as temporary. Usually these child phases last a few weeks or months and then you’re on to the next challenge. Come up with some sort of mantra, like “This too shall pass” or “Nothing lasts forever”…whatever helps you to keep it in perspective.

Please comment below with what you do when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or how one of these tips has helped you!