Category: Marriage & Parenting

Blogs written on the topics of Marriage or Parenting, usually very practical in nature.

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Counter-Cultural Parenting

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” 3 John 1:4

As a born-again Christian, there are many ways that I am a counter-cultural parent. God has called me to different standards, and I view things through a different lens than my secular peers. Therefore, I am learning to only look to God, and not to society, to affirm my parenting decisions. In this blog I would like to outline some of my own spiritual convictions as a Christian parent vs. societal thinking and trends on parenting.

As a disclaimer, the purpose of this blog is not to criticize or cast judgment on anyone, or to demonstrate superiority in any way, and obviously these are generalizations that do not apply to every secular parent. I simply want to share some of my own personal convictions, as well as to encourage other Christian parents.

First of all, and probably the most fundamental difference, is that sometimes (not always) “society” views children as a rite of passage rather than a high calling from the Lord, which has several implications. If children are a rite of passage, then I don’t need to give them as much of my time, attention, or energy. I can fill my time with work and personal pursuits, and raise my children on the side.

In contrast, in the Garden of Eden, God said to Adam and Eve “Be fruitful and multiply,” which shows the calling (of some) for reproducing and having children. And if children are a high calling from the Lord, then they should take a very high priority in my life. Perhaps the Lord will call me to lay aside myself, my work, pursuits, goals, in order to raise my children for the glory of the Lord.

Secondly, there is a popular mindset among certain secular people that children are a burden and often get in the way of our own selfish pursuits. With this mindset, you should only have one or two children (just enough to keep with societal norms), you should survive the hard years as best as you can (and maybe resent them along the way), take as many solo or couple vacations as possible, and save money and plan for your own retirement and individual success.

In contrast, the Bible tells us that children are a “blessing from the Lord,” which has entirely different implications. If children are truly viewed as a blessing, then the Lord wants you to enjoy your children and truly value their own uniqueness/individuality, and maybe God will even call you to have several children. He may also ask you to lay aside self and focus on their personal and spiritual growth. Just as the Lord “rejoices” over us, He wants us to rejoice over our children.

Another common way of thinking among secular people is the idea that we should always control the number of children we have. If you don’t want to have children, simply put yourself on birth control or get a tubal ligation, and then you won’t have children. If you do want children, take yourself off of birth control for the exact period of time that you’d like a child, and then get back on the birth control right away.

For the Christian, however, God may first want us to pray about how many children we will have, and sometimes wait, trust His timing, and give it over to Him. And sometimes He may even call us to give the entire reproductive control over to Him. Sometimes it’s important to question our motives for not wanting more children. Is it based in specific reasons that He has brought to our minds? Such as spending more of our time in ministry, or for health reasons. Or is it based in anxiety and fear? Such as we already feel overwhelmed and fear that we can’t handle another one. As Christians, it’s important to consider our motives and bring them to the Lord.

Another mindset that I’ve observed among secular parents is this idea that we need to cling to the early years because they will go by fast and then we will miss those years and can’t get them back. While there is some truth in this idea, sometimes it is based in the secular concept that this earthly life is all we have, so we are to live each day as if it were your last. But in doing so, sometimes we have this unhealthy worship of time, or points in time, and then allow sadness to darken our thinking about our children’s present or future.

In contrast, as Christian parents, we should have a more eternal perspective. Our biggest goals for our children are their eternal salvation, their character growth, and that they would bring others to heaven along the way. As a result, though we may have a moment of sadness as we reminisce, ultimately we rejoice in their growth and development, as we see our prayers being answered, as our growing children are inviting Jesus into their hearts and being changed from the inside out.

Lastly, within a secular mindset, I think many times the goals of parenting are different. For instance, some times the primary goals seem to be social and academic success. The social goal translates into busy social calendars (year-round sports’ activities, time with peers/away from family, etc.) and a focus on image and appearance. The motivation is to look stylish and talk politely, in order to gain acceptance by others and achieve social status. The goal of academic success causes children to go to leave home and attend school at very young ages. It can also lead children to competitive mindsets, attempting to beat out their peers in various activities.

In contrast, within a Christian framework, the primary goal should be a child’s salvation and character. Therefore, this goal may result in a child going to school at a later age in order to stay home longer and gain a more solid character foundation, or perhaps it would result in a less busy social calendar to allow for more time with the family at home.

The Christian parent mindset may also result in a stronger focus on the heart vs. outward appearance. Just because a child says and does what is socially acceptable does not mean that his/her heart is right with the Lord. Hopefully a Christian parent prioritizes character development over social and academic achievement.

In summary, there are many differences that I see between secular and Christian-minded parents, yet I rarely hear these differences talked about. The danger in not identifying these differences is that as Christian parents, we may fall into some secular parenting trends without realizing it. Or we may look to others to get affirmation for our decisions, instead of looking to God. I hope and pray that our primary focus can be to “please God (in our parenting) and not men,” and that we can always have peace of mind knowing that we are seeking to follow His will for our lives and children. May He bless you abundantly as you seek His guidance in your parenting.

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He Delights in You

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17

As a parent, there are times when I get so frustrated with my children, but there are also times when I am so proud of them. My oldest son’s name is Judah, and he is five years old. At five years old, he is learning so much every day. Certain things I try to teach him and other things he just learns on his own.

For the last couple of years, I have been trying to teach him to pump himself on the swing, but he has struggled to figure it out for some time. But finally, just the other day, he figured it out. As I was standing outside watching him and his brother on the home swing set, he finally got into a rhythm of pumping his legs in and out, in and out. When I saw him finally master this skill, my eyes started to tear up. I knew had hard and how long he had worked to figure this out, and finally he was figuring it out! This mama heart could not have been prouder. I was crying happy tears and grinning from ear to ear. It may seem silly that I took such pride in such a small thing, but since I know Judah so personally, I knew the struggle and how long it had taken him, taken us, to get to this point.

Sometimes I am proud of my children for small things that they do; other times I am proud of them for larger accomplishments. For example, my daughter Ava is two years old, and due to a genetic condition, she did not learn to walk until she was 23 months old. After months of physical therapy, countless prayers, so much time and struggle (on her part and mine), I finally got to see her walk at 23 months old, and once again, my mama heart couldn’t have been prouder. As she was strutting around, proud of herself, I was again crying happy tears and my heart was bursting for joy. Finally my little girl had learned to walk!

As a parent, my heart is so closely tied to my children’s hearts, that I feel their pain, I feel their struggle, and I also feel their fulfillment and their joy in their accomplishments. Similarly, as sons and daughters of God, God’s heart is so closely intertwined to our hearts. When we struggle, He feels that struggle. And when we rejoice, He rejoices with us.

Recently, I was at a mental health conference, and the neuroscientist who was speaking cited statistics that talked about how the human brain is much more focused on negative thoughts and events than on positive ones. As a result, in order to combat depression, research scientists suggest writing in gratitude journals for 6-8 weeks before our brains re-wire to focus more on positive than on negative things. So if the human brain is so focused on negativity, then how does that translate to daily life happenings? Perhaps that mean that we focus on the struggles of the day more than the joys/accomplishments of that day. For example, maybe we spend a lot more time dreading the tasks of the day, rather than rejoicing at what we accomplished at the end of each day. Or maybe that means we spend more time focusing on what we did wrong that day versus focusing on what we did right that day.

So then I got to thinking, if humans are so focused on negativity, what is God focused on? As we go throughout our day, is God standing there focusing on our weaknesses, on our struggles? Or is He focused on our strengths and accomplishments? As I my starting to understand Jesus and grace more, my instinct is that God spends more time focused on our strengths and accomplishments than on our weaknesses and struggles. In Zephaniah 3:17, it says “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Just as a parent rejoices in every single step of progress their child makes, or every new skill that they master, God is rejoicing in us all day long. As we do the dishes or the laundry, God delights in us. He doesn’t say, “Wow, you left a few dishes in the sink,” or “You did a couple loads of laundry, but you could’ve done a lot more.” In other words, MY negative thoughts are not GOD’S thoughts about me. Therefore, I’ve got to stop projecting my human negativity onto Him.

As we wake up in the morning and change diapers and nurture fussy children, God delights in us. As we stay calm as we discipline a child, God delights in us. As we resist a temptation to gossip or complain, God delights in us. As we choose to help someone in need, God delights in us. It could be as simple as the meals we eat, the conversations we have, or even just the time that we spend in nature or with Him. The point is that God delights in the very essence of who we are in Him, and He delights in every step that we take closer to Him, every time that we are faithful to what He has called us to do, in big and small ways. So today may you quiet your own negativity and hear His positivity ring through and through. He loves you and He delights in you.

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The Lies of Parenthood

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

The Bible reads, “Whatever is NOT from FAITH is SIN (Romans 14:23),” and what is faith based upon? Faith is based upon TRUTH. If I know something to be true, then I claim it as a promise, no matter how things seem (Hebrews 11:1), and I choose to believe it. So if faith is based upon TRUTH, then sin (or a lack of faith) must be based upon LIES. And according to the Bible, who is the “father of lies?” The devil (John 8:44). Therefore, the devil gets us to sin by feeding us lies, lies that are specific to each aspect of our lives – our identity, our marriage, our parenting, our friendships, and so on. The devil knows that if we believe the lies, and give into the lies, then we sin – either in thought or in action, and as such we are “trapped” in our sin, but we also know that “the truth will set you (us) free” (John 8:23).

In 2 Corinthians 10:5-6, Paul wrote, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” In these verses Paul is making a strong connection between OBEDIENCE and our THOUGHTS. So often we think that sin is just action, but most often, sin begins with our thoughts, thoughts which are based in lies.

The book that really opened my eyes to this fact is called “Lies Women Believe” by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. For anyone interested in hearing more on this subject, I highly encourage you to read this book, as Nancy lays out very specific lies that apply to each aspect of our lives. (Disclaimer: I have used some of these lies from the book in the lies that I’ve outlined below.)

Because sin is based upon lies, and lies take place in our thinking, then to combat sin we must identify these lies right as they come (which can really only happen through the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit) and speak truth against these lies. So therefore, we must get to know 1) the LIES and 2) the TRUTH. So what lies are you tempted to believe as a parent? And what is the truth?

There are many different lies that the devil brings, specific to each of us, but there are also many common lies that he uses for many of us. Here are some common lies that I’ve been tempted to believe, and maybe they can be helpful for you to identify as well.

  1. “I’m not/she’s not a good mom.”

As a parent, so often we give into lies of comparison. For instance, “I’m a bad mom because I let my child watch more TV than my friend allows for her children.” OR “I’m a better mom than my friend because my children eat healthier foods than her children.”So often we judge ourselves as parents based upon our own standards, or other people’s standards. But really the only standard that matters is God’s standard. Therefore, your value as a mom should come directly from God, and not from how you compare with others.

2. “I can’t do it. It’s too hard.”

Often I am led to believe this lie, doubting my own ability as a mother to appropriately manage my children. But what does the Bible say? That “by myself I can’t do it, but with Christ and His presence, I am able to do much more than I can even think or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). If we feel like some days are just too hard to manage, then we rely all the more on God and His strength on those days.

3. “I’m responsible for my child’s character formation and salvation.”

As parents, we are TOOLS that God uses to help form our child’s character and help them into the kingdom, but ultimately their character and salvation is up to God. The more we surrender our child’s weaknesses to God in prayer, the more the Holy Spirit can work in their lives to mold and change them. Our job is to guide them and to pray for them, but it is the Lord who carries the burden of their hearts and salvation. We need to constantly remind ourselves that God’s power is still at work within them (Ephesians 3:20).

4. “If I’m not a perfect parent, then I’ve failed God and failed my child.”

Nothing has brought out my sinful nature more than 1) being married and 2) having children. Whether I’m losing my temper at my husband or children, or I’m too quick to blame them for something, I’m constantly reminded of my weaknesses and my worst traits. Additionally, whenever I see the weaknesses of my children, I am very quick to blame myself for those weaknesses, seeing them as my own fault. Despite this fact, my success as a parent does NOT depend on my PERFECTION, but rather it depends on my SURRENDERING my weaknesses to the Lord. If I yell, then seek forgiveness. If I’m unsure, then seek guidance. The Bible reads, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me…” (2 Cor. 12:9-10).

5. “Children are a burden” or “My child is so annoying!”

Young children are dependent, needy, noisy, difficult, emotionally driven, and so much more, so on hard days it is very easy to focus on the difficulties and give into the lie that “my children are so annoying.” Additionally, the lie that “children are a burden” is perpetuated by our society and culture, even our Christian culture I would say. Since having three small children, I have received some negative comments regarding how much trouble young kids are, how I need to work to get away from them, and more. Rarely do I find someone who points out the positive traits of my children, or the positives about having young children or having them close together in age. I think it is just part of our culture to see children as a burden. But the Bible reads, “Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). As a result, I need to combat this lie-based thought with the truth that my children are a blessing from God and also that God is still at work in them (Phil. 1:6).

Leave me a comment if you have been tempted to believe any of these lies as well. I’d love to hear more about your journey from lies to truth! 🙂

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When Bitterness Takes Root

 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Until two years ago, I never understood bitterness – bitter thinking, bitter people and how they became that way. But after the trials in my life over the past two years, I have begun to understand. Difficult times are what can make you bitter – the part of your life where one hardship hits you right after another. It’s like you can’t catch a break. Perhaps you can make sense of the first trial, but what about the second, the third, and so on. Maybe you’re not even angry with God, but something in you just breaks and you no longer see people or the world in the same positive way. Life just seems hard, and you are left feeling isolated, alone, and confused.

Over the last two years my husband and I have experienced a lot – a cross-country move, flooded apartment, displaced housing, pregnancy complications, caring for three kids under the age of four, baby daughter’s health issues, hospitalized for covid, my own health issues, and more recently, my father’s death. It’s been a difficult two years that have been hard to understand. As each new trial comes, I find myself becoming stronger, but yet harder too. I have never gotten angry at God, but I have felt that it hasn’t been fair. There have been times that I have found myself bitter, and even jealous of others who aren’t experiencing the exact same trials.

My lingering question has been, how do people face suffering and NOT become bitter? Perhaps not bitter at God, but bitter with life or bitter with people. I’ve seen Christians who are close to God but have determined that this world is terrible and have developed a cynical view of people and the world. As Christians, how do we face suffering and yet not become bitter towards God, this life, or other people? Does bitterness only come when we become angry at God? Or can it take root in our hearts in other ways as well?

My daughter is a year and a half, and I think a part of me has been bitter about her health issues that she and I have faced together over the last year and a half. Perhaps I have felt that it has been unfair and wished for different, more normal circumstances. And then it hit me, even though I haven’t been angry at God, I definitely have not been thanking Him for these trials/hardships.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Paul says “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” The “will of God” for me? for my daughter? That is a hard pill to swallow, and yet one that I must accept. It’s okay for me to grieve the loss of not having a perfectly healthy daughter, but at some point I need to accept this trial as God’s will for me and for Ava, and I need to get to the point where I actually THANK GOD for the trial. Otherwise, I end up bitter and feeling that it is not fair, for me or for Ava.

In 1 Peter 4:12-13, Peter says, “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice in as much as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.” Wow, this describes me well because I have been very “surprised” by all the trials over the last two years, definitely not expecting them or embracing them. And I admit that I have not been rejoicing in these trials. Once again, perhaps bitterness doesn’t just come from being angry at God (I have not been angry at Him), but simply by not rejoicing in the trials that He gives you.

In James 1:2-4, James says “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Do I count it as “joy” for Ava to have had these health problems? Perhaps if I would claim it as joy then it wouldn’t take root as bitterness.

So here’s what I’ve determined…in order to NOT become bitter by trials, it’s not enough to passively not become angry with God. In order to not become bitter, you must actively embrace the trial – thank God for it, rejoice in the trial.

You are rejoicing in the trial for multiple reasons: 1) Because you know that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28) 2) Because you know that trials produce perseverance and character (James 1:2-4; Romans 5:3-5) and 3) Because we are closer to Christ when we suffer  (1 Peter 4:12-13).

Also, when you thank God for the trial, something in your heart changes, as it causes you to focus less on the trial and more on His love and goodness. It shifts your focus from “Poor me” to “I trust Him” and “He loves me.” It helps to keep your heart soft towards God, towards life, and towards others. So next time you find yourself in hard times, grieve the heartache and the loss (He is the great Comforter), but also take time to thank God and to rejoice, for this is “the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thess. 5:18)

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“I’m coming! I’m coming!”

“He who testifies to these things says, “Yes I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.” Revelation 22:20

As a mother of three young kids, often times I have to prioritize which of my children I will respond to first. This issue often comes into play whenever I am getting each of my children out of their carseats after we have gotten back home from running errands or something. Usually I will start with the oldest child and then move down from there (since I know that tending to the baby will take the most time). As I’m getting my two oldest out of their carseats, many times my youngest child Ava will start to fuss and cry, at which point I will call out to her, “I’m coming, Ava, I’m coming!” As soon as I hear her fuss or call for me, everything in me wants to come pick her up and hold her, and yet somehow I’m prevented from doing so, which is a very unsettling feeling for any mother. Since I can’t get to her right away, the next best thing I can do is to communicate to her my desire to comfort her, letting her know that I’ll be there as soon as I can.

What’s odd is that I often dream about this exact dilemma – my child needing me, and not being able to get to them in time. The other day I dreamed that a group of us adults were at a waterpark with some of our children. I remember feeling nervous that I couldn’t supervise the kids well enough for them not to drown or something, and then right as I had that thought my second-born son Levi went missing. In an instant I was terrified and worried that he had somehow drowned. I remember calling out to everyone at the waterpark saying, “Where is Levi?! I can’t find him. Did he drown? Please help me!” But it seemed the nobody was taking me seriously or wanted to help. As his mother, every single fiber of my being wanted to find him and rescue him, and yet somehow, against my wishes, I couldn’t get to him, I couldn’t be there to help him. It was a very unsettling, terrifying feeling, but it resonated so well with me.

Recently, my son Levi has been thinking a lot about heaven and asking me questions about it. More than once he has asked me, “Mommy, why doesn’t Jesus come back now to get us?” And I’ve had to really think about my response to him. The Bible tells us that Jesus is coming back again soon to take us home with Him, but we don’t know exactly when that will be. In the mean time, we experience pain, heartache, and disappointment. In the mean time, we long to see Jesus face to face. We long for a world where all brokenness will be restored. So why is Jesus taking so long to come back? What is He waiting for? If He really cares and wants to be with us, then why not come back now?

Similar to a mother longing to hold her child the second he or she is in distress, but sometimes being prevented from doing so, Jesus longs even more so, to come hold us. Jesus longs so much to come to earth and take us away from our pain and heartache, and I believe the waiting hurts His heart even more than it hurts our hearts when we can’t tend to our baby’s pressing need. Love makes Him want to come back, but love also makes Him have to wait. Just as a mother tends to one child while the other child waits, Jesus is tending to the hearts of his children, as his other children wait. And just as a mother wants her child to trust her love for that child during the times of waiting, so Jesus want us to trust His love for us as we wait for Him. It’s love that makes Him hold us, but it’s also love that causes us to wait. May we trust His love in the holding and also in the waiting. And even so, “come Lord Jesus.”

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Diligence vs. Control

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.” Philippians 4:6-7

As mothers, God created us to be attentive and detail-oriented in the care of our children. Whether it’s remembering their favorite color or toy, how they like their back scratched or booboo kissed, or how they act when they are hungry or tired, we are usually in sync with our child’s wants and needs. In fact, I would also say that God put this burden on our hearts to care about all of these little details, and so many times we moms are very diligent in the care of our children. The problem comes when that diligence leads us to obsessively worry, or to try to control the outcome of a particular situation.

For example, my third child is 14 months old and has always had trouble eating well and gaining good weight. Whenever we take her to a routine doctor’s appointment, the doctors are always concerned about her weight and constantly give us suggestions on how to feed her so that she will gain more weight. Many times the doctors make us feel that we are in charge of her weight, or that it is our fault that she is so far below the weight curve. In reality, as parents we can only try our best in giving her fattening foods, feeding her often, giving her supplements or Pediasure, taking her to doctor’s appointments for weight checks, and so on. Beyond that, we just have to pray and trust God that He will help her to eat well and gain the appropriate weight.

For one of these feeding interventions, I would wake Ava up and give her a “dream feed” around 9pm each night.  After doing this feeding for Ava’s first 14 months of life, I finally felt like God was saying that I could drop this feeding, or perhaps that I even “should” drop this feeding as a way of trusting Him. It was so hard to drop this feeding for several reasons. For one thing, she ate really well at this feeding, and for another thing, it was a safety net for me, something that I could do to feel that I was somehow “in control” of her feeding/weight gain issues. The weird part though was that she wasn’t gaining good weight, even with this feeding, and I was so burned out with doing it. As a result, I decided to give it a try and let go of this feeding, at least for a few days. Over those few days I had quite a bit of anxiety, wondering if I had done the right thing, or if I was being selfish or lazy as a mother. But then I started to pray, “Lord, if you want me to give Ava this feeding, then please wake her up and let her cry for it.” Surely God could do such a simple thing. But you know what? Prior to dropping the feeding, she would sometimes cry for it, but after dropping the feeding, she didn’t cry for it. I felt like this was God’s way of saying, “I got this. Just trust me.” It was His way of calming my mind and giving me peace through this difficult transition. A couple weeks later, and I’m still trusting God through all of this, that He will help Ava to eat well and gain good weight, despite dropping this nighttime feeding. And believe it or not, it does seem that she has gained half a pound or so since dropping this feeding. Praise God! He created Ava and He certainly can help her to gain weight more than any intervention that I could do, or anyone else for that matter.

Reflecting on this whole ordeal, I’ve learned that as mothers, sometimes God asks us to be diligent and to pay attention to the detailed care of our children, but other times He asks us to let go of something, something we are holding on to, something that we think will fix a particular situation or outcome, but in reality, God is the ONLY one who can completely control outcomes. So the next time you find yourself obsessing, worrying, or burned out, ask yourself, “Is it time to let go and trust God with this?” In so doing, I believe that God will give you peace AND that you will be pleasantly surprised on a BETTER outcome than you could have even imagined. Just trust God and let it go.

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Perfectly Imperfect

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

One of my children has had some ongoing health issues, and sad to say, but sometimes it has caused me to look at her differently. Some days I focus so much on one of her health issues (ex. bigger leg, poor weight gain, etc.) that I lose sight of all of her other positive traits (ex. good temperament, humor, etc.). Doing this causes me to fret and worry about her rather than just enjoy her and our time together.

Similarly, in general as a parent to all three of my kids, some days I find myself fretting or worrying about any and all of their bad qualities or traits. I think, “Man, why is he so selfish?” or “How do I get him to listen better?” or “How could he be so mean to his brother?” And when I focus on these negative qualities, my child usually ends up acting worse and our day together just gets worse by the minute.

In the past, I have struggled to understand or fully accept the phrase, “You’re perfect just the way you are” because I think about how we are all sinful and none of us are perfect just the way we are. And maybe I think about how this phrase could lead to our justification of certain predispositions or tendencies that are hurtful to others. That being said, now that I’m a parent, I view this statement differently. Rather than it signifying that someone is perfect, I think it signifies unconditional love and acceptance, not just in romantic love relationships, but also in parental love relationships.

If I say to my daughter and/or sons, “You’re perfect just the way you are,” it means that I love them WITH their flaws, rather than DESPITE their flaws, which to me is way more meaningful. It doesn’t mean that I love their flaws, but it does mean that I love and accept ALL of them, rather than just a portion of them. It means that my love for them is not dependent on their perfect health or perfect disposition, but on their uniqueness and individuality, including the more difficult parts of them. It means that I love them for who they are now, and not just for who they will become in the future.

Have you ever heard of The Pygmalion Effect (aka Self-Fulfilling Prophecy)? It is a term used in Social Psychology to show how we rise or fall according to others’ thoughts and expectations of us. In my Social Psychology class in graduate school, I remember discussing research studies where students would perform much better in class for the teachers who believed in them than for the teachers who didn’t.

This topic also reminds me of God and His amazing love for us. In Zephaniah 3:17 we read that the Lord takes “great delight” in us and rejoices over us with singing. If I rejoice over something, I don’t just tolerate it. If I rejoice over something, I’m excited about it! Here’s the thing…I believe that God has this unique ability to love and fully accept us as we are now, and yet also motivate us to grow in Him. In my relationship with God, I know that I make better choices on the days that I truly see and realize His love and grace vs. the days when I may see Him in a more negative light. Let me ask you something, do you rejoice and sing over your children? If you did, how much better do you think they would act and behave?

Remember, grace changes US, and grace will change our CHILDREN. So today let’s choose to love our children more fully and completely than ever before, through the power of God’s grace. Let’s see them as perfectly imperfect and decide to focus on their positive traits more than their negative traits. Let’s truly rejoice and sing over them, over ALL of them.

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Blaming vs. Praying

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

As a mother, I often feel like I am “failing” or “falling short” in some way. Sometimes it hits me multiple times a day…

It could be that I notice another one of my son’s weaknesses, which I immediately blame myself for. I think, “Maybe I should’ve held him more and he wouldn’t be so fussy” or “Maybe I should’ve disciplined him more and he wouldn’t be so argumentative” or “Maybe I shouldn’t coddle him so much and he wouldn’t be so clingy.” You get the point. The list goes on and on. I often blame myself for any and all of the shortcomings of my children.

I also often blame myself for any mess within the home. I think, “Man, I should’ve found more time to clean more of the house today” or “Man, why can’t I keep up with the dishes better? Something’s not right if I always have a sink full of dirty dishes.”

Other things that I may blame myself for: not spending enough time in play with my children, not ignoring my children enough, letting my kids watch too much TV, not reading enough to my kids, letting my kids snack, not making them enough healthy meals, not disciplining them enough or in the right way, and the list goes ON AND ON.

Before becoming a parent, I never found myself blaming myself for SO many things in my life! It seems that if something isn’t right on the mark with my children, my marriage, or my home, then I blame myself.

But here’s the thing…maybe God doesn’t expect perfection – in my marriage, in my parenting, or in my home. As John 3:30 depicts, “He must become greater; I must become less.” Maybe through it all, He expects more of HIM and less of ME. That means more of His GRACE and more of His ABILITY (not mine).

In other words, when I notice a weakness in some area of my child, my marriage, or my home, instead of beating myself up for it, I need to surrender that issue to immediately to Him.

For example, my prayer could be, “Dear God, I see that my child has an issue of indulgence. Please sanctify Him of this issue. Please guide me in effective ways to manage this behavior, but ultimately I know that You are the one who changes hearts, not me. Therefore I surrender my son’s sin to You. Cover it with YOUR grace and restore Him to Your character. I give him to You. Amen.”

If I notice a weakness within myself, yes I need to always strive to improve, but I also need to extend myself more GRACE and also more TRUST. Instead of, “You should’ve done better or you should’ve known better,” I can pray, “Dear God, I know that I am not as firm as I need to be with my children sometimes, but I also know that You don’t shame me for that, so help me not to shame myself. I know that You are working in my life to sanctify me and grow me. Give me wisdom and discernment for when to be firm and when to be loving. Help me to be in tune with you as I go throughout the day. Help me to continue to strive for growth in this area, without giving in to a sense of shame and doubt. Grow me in my firmness and consistency in discipline. I trust You in this process. And in the meantime, make up the difference in the characters of my children. In Your name I pray, Amen.”

As a parent, we are often tempted to take the place of God – by casting judgment on ourselves and on our children, by taking responsibility for every little thing, and so on. But at the end of the day, we need to remember that we are NOT God. Rather, we are simply broken vessels that He uses. The more we surrender our selves, our marriages, and our children to God, the more He can finish the work.

Lately, I have really been convicted on this point – that I do way too much thinking and not enough praying. All day long I need to utter prayers of confession and prayers of surrender. After all, prayer is so much more effective than blaming myself for things.

Going forward, may I do more PRAYING and less BLAMING. May my home be filled with more of Him and less of me.

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Always Working

“In His defense Jesus said to them, “My Father is always at His work to this very day, and I too am working.” John 5:17

As a stay-at-home mother of three little ones – I am quite busy taking care of the kids and the house. Throughout the day there aren’t many breaks, and as soon as I sit down, I usually have to get up quickly to put out another “fire” – clean up a mess, comfort a crying child, intercede in a fight, etc. The tasks of the day are never done – from changing diapers, getting kids dressed (and re-dressed), cooking meals, feeding the kids, putting someone down for a nap, doing the dishes, putting away the laundry, etc. Often it feels that I’m a rat on a spinning wheel that just can’t catch up to what’s in front of her. It seems the “work is never done,” as they say.

Despite all this, my busyness somehow evades my children. No matter how messy the kitchen (dishes piled up to the faucet), how dirty the floor (mud tracks everywhere), how many clothes to fold (enough piled on the bed to hide someone for weeks), my kids seem to always think that I have the time – the time to chit chat, time to play, time to run around, etc. Often times I will literally be in the middle of serving them in ONE way, such as cooking them a meal, when they are asking me to do several other things for them at the same time – “Mommy, can you help put my shoe on?” “Mommy, can you read me a story?” “Mommy, can you build a train with me?” Many times I will stop what I’m doing to help them, but sometimes I’m not able to.

Whenever they ask me to do something for them, many times they can’t see that 1) I’m busy doing something else and 2) that what I’m busy doing is working for them already in some other way.  It’s like my time and my work is completely invisible to them. Developmentally, they are too small to see the big picture and see everything that I’m already doing for them, every minute of every day.

Additionally, many times I’m working on something way ahead of time that they haven’t even sensed their need for yet. For instance, I may start cooking supper at noon (in the pressure cooker) and then at 5:00pm they start bellowing, “Mommy, I’m hungry!” What they don’t know is that I’ve already anticipated their hunger and worked ahead to meet that need.

Similarly, this reminds me of the Bible verse where Jesus said, “My Father is always at His work to this very day, and I too am working” (John 5:17).

Oftentimes, in our relationship with God, we behave just like little children. We constantly see our own needs and wants, ask for those things, and neglect to see that God is already at work – for the needs/wants that we realize, and even for those that we don’t yet realize.

Just as a parent is ALWAYS working for their children, God is ALWAYS, and even more so, working for us. And unlike a human parent who eats, sleeps, and takes breaks, God NEVER takes a break. He is always working hard for us – interceding on our behalf and meeting our present AND future needs.

And like little children, we often don’t see the big picture and don’t appreciate all He is doing on our behalf. Let me assure you that God loves you a million times more than a parent loves his/her child, AND He is much more equipped to provide for YOU than a parent can provide for his/her child.

If only we would realize and remember this more, then perhaps we wouldn’t question Him or circumstances in our lives quite as much. Perhaps we would trust Him, trust that He is ALWAYS working for our good, and that He has already met each felt and unfelt need. He searches the heart and goes so much deeper than a parent ever could.

Maybe your need today is hope, companionship, peace, comfort, rest, or strength. Whatever it is, He is there, He is working, and He will provide.

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“An Empty Cup”

“Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave–just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28

I’m sure many of us have heard the phrase, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Usually it is said in order to motivate someone (especially mothers) to invest more in self-care, activities such as putting on makeup, going to the gym, drinking enough water, and taking time for yourself.  As a professional counselor, I myself have many times tried to encourage people to engage in self-care, even using this phrase, or similar phrasing. In general, I think this IS a healthy concept, but sometimes this phrase can be damaging. Let me explain.

If this is ALL we are ever telling people, then what happens during times in our lives when we CAN’T engage in self-care? Times in our lives when MORE is being asked of us and we ARE pouring from an “empty cup?”

For example, since having my third child, many times I feel as if I AM pouring from an “empty cup.” So far I have not been able to keep up with things as well, or to resume my normal self-care activities, such as wearing makeup everyday, going running, eating regular healthy meals, and drinking lots of water. I also have not been able to engage in my usual hobbies or achieve personal goals. Often this leaves me feeling FRUSTRATED or even GUILTY that I’m NOT engaging in as much self-care. But the reality is that taking care of three young children literally does take ALL of my time and energy, at least for now, especially with some of the random health issues of my third child.

Maybe you have a sick child/parent OR you are going through some other crisis, and the situation is requiring ALL of your time and energy. Usually the situation is temporary, maybe weeks, months, or even years, but during this time you can’t operate like you used to, and you have to buckle down and put someone else’s needs ABOVE your own, without expecting anything in return.

If you are expecting self-care during these times, and don’t get it, you could become RESENTFUL, or perhaps feel GUILTY that you can’t exercise, engage in a hobby, or whatever it is. As a result, it seems to me that sometimes the idea of self-care could be an over-simplification, not allowing for the different seasons and levels of service we may be called to in our lives.

I don’t think anything has taught me to serve more than motherhood. With each child that I have (currently I have three kids ages four and under), God calls me to more and more service, away from self and more towards Him. In Isaiah 53:12, it says that Jesus “poured out His life unto death.” Now I know that we as humans are NOT Jesus, but I also know that as disciples of Jesus we are called to a similar life of service and self-sacrifice. In Matthew 20:28 it says “whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave.”

Somehow our culture makes it out to be that service is a bad thing and self-care is the “be all and end all,” but perhaps it’s not so simple. Perhaps service is a holy calling and perhaps self-care will come at the right time and in the right way, but without our constant demands for it.  

At the same time, I do think self-care is important and healthy, and no matter what season of life, we can always prioritize being healthy–in big ways OR in small ways. Currently in my life, I want to take the pressure and guilt off of myself, and I want to pray specific prayers like, “God, please let me know the right time to get back to the same level of fitness, and help me to have peace with that time frame.” OR “God, please tell me what is a realistic exercise plan for this stage of my life and give me the self-discipline to stick with it.”

Also, if I am “pouring from an empty cup,” then my prayer could be:

“Lord, please FILL MY CUP in ways that only YOU know how. Perhaps this season of service (with smaller aspects to self-care) will help me to rely MORE on You, Jesus, and LESS on myself.”

To quote the hymn, “Fill my cup, Lord, fill it up and make me whole.”