Category: Marriage & Parenting

I’ve never felt so overwhelmed as I have since becoming a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Currently I have two boys (2 years old and 7 months old) and many days it’s all I can do just to get through the day. Staying at home may not be the high intensity type of stress as a medical or corporate job. However, it is the constant, no break nature of the job that makes it so stressful – constant demands of your time, energy, and attention. Whether it’s cleaning up a mess or responding to a child’s cry, you are needed 24/7. You don’t get a break to eat, sleep, or even use the bathroom. (In fact, these necessities of life become luxuries when done alone.)

In addition, you don’t have time for your previous coping strategies. For example, maybe you used to cry when you felt overwhelmed, and now you don’t even have five minutes to yourself to sit down and cry. As a result, many SAHM moms often end up feeling drained and overwhelmed.

So if you are a SAHM (or any kind of mom), here are a few tips to help when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Many of these I have either learned from experience, or from the advice of other women who have been mothers much longer than I have.

• Turn to the Lord – pray for patience and strength all day everyday. Also, quote Bible verses regarding God’s provision and the strength He provides. For example, “My Grace is sufficient for thee” (2 Cor. 12:9) helps me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. (Refer to my page on my favorite Bible verses that I quote when I’m feeling overwhelmed.)

• Take daily breaks – if possible, take at least one break every day, and by “break” I mean time alone and without the children. Maybe it’s during naptime or maybe it’s when your husband gets home. Even if it’s just thirty minutes of sitting in your car and reading a book while you sip a hot drink, take the break. If you don’t, you will lose your sanity and patience. Just a short amount of time away from the kids can revive and renew your spirit. And for the days that you don’t have time for breaks, drink in each of the three quiet minutes here and there throughout the day. During those fleeting moments, make time slow down by closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and sipping on your drink. Trust me, it works!

• Leave the house – As a SAHM, I’ve learned to leave my house at least once a day on most days. Otherwise I end up feeling more overwhelmed due to a messy house and kids that are bored and acting out. It also helps my sanity to get out of the house and see the bigger picture. If it’s nice out, go to a park or on a walk. If it’s raining or snowing, go to the play area at a fast food restaurant (ex. McDonald’s, Burger King) or the nearest mall, or you can go to the children’s section in the library. If you live in a bigger city, consider investing in a yearly pass to the local children’s museum, zoo, or aquarium.

• Look at happy photos – sometimes on the hardest of days it really helps me to look at happy photos of my children (or me with my children) to remember that they are happy and also to remember how much I really do love them 🙂

• Make a to do list – when household chores and errands feel overwhelming, get out a pen and a paper and write them down one by one. And just tackle one chore or errand at a time. Some days all you will get done is one thing, and that’s okay. Some days you’re tired and in survival mode, and you’re a hero for just keeping the kids alive.

• Lower your expectations – it’s hard to feel very productive when you are caring for children all day every day. It’s an odd feeling to constantly feel busy and overwhelmed and yet to have few completed tasks to check off a list at the end of the day. As a result, I have learned to lower my expectations for productivity (which is difficult for me). Otherwise, I end up feeling more overwhelmed with long to do lists of uncompleted tasks.

• End of day relaxing – if you’re able to (like don’t have to work a job), have a cut off time at night where you stop working and stop doing the chores. Because you are a SAHM, your home is your work place, and so you need to have boundaries with work at home, or you will be working 24/7 and never relax.

• Set boundaries – with kids, husband, friends, family, acquaintances, etc. It’s okay to not answer your phone, cancel a play date, or to say no to people more often. It’s also ok to even say no to holding church offices. While I strongly believe in ministering to others and being involved in your local church, I also believe that being a mother to young kids is the highest calling and greatest ministry.

• Ask for help – some mothers have trouble asking for help, but it takes a village to raise children, so ask for help whenever you can, and especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Develop a support group and turn to them often. This could include your husband, parents, in-laws, siblings, friends, etc. It also may include paying a sitter to come watch the kids for a couple hours so that you can get some things done around the house. In the end, it is worth the extra money, if you have it.

• Phone a friend – many days when I’m feeling very overwhelmed, I like to phone my sister or best friend. Confiding in them about my stress or just laughing with them about silly things often takes my mind off of the overwhelming feelings.

• Listen to music – on the hardest of days, I turn to music. I will either try to sing a soft, calming Christian song (which helps to calm me and my children down) or I will listen to a similar type of song. Sometimes the words of the song speak directly to me, and I know that God is calming and uplifting my spirit.

• Buy a Bluetooth – When you have to clean up messes and carry children all day, it helps to have a hands-free device. Being able to plug into my phone wirelessly has really helped me on the hardest of days. Sometimes I’ll call a girl friend; other times I’ll just listen to my uplifting music in one ear while I listen to and respond to child needs in the other ear.

• Exercise – If you’re able to, try to do some sort of exercise at least a couple times during the week. It really helps with those overwhelming feelings, and it may actually give you a break from the kids! Consider a gym membership with a daycare program, or commit to walking/running with them in the stroller.

• Time-outs – sometimes it’s perfectly appropriate for you to take a time-out from your kids, which sometimes means that you may have to lay them in a safe place, like their crib or bed, and let them cry for awhile while you go into the other room. Alternatively, someone suggested to me to take the kids for a drive as a way of giving yourself a time-out.

• Calming slogan – repeat to yourself silently or even out loud so the kids can hear some sort of calming slogan (ex. “Everything is all right” or “Everybody just calm down”), and remember to say it in a soft, slow, calming sort of way. It can really help to lower the blood pressure and the intensity of the moment!

• Be confident – one of the hardest things for me as a mom is to believe that, with God’s help, I will be able to handle the most difficult situations. As a result, many times I psych myself out and feel more overwhelmed by perceived or actual situations than I should. Remember that you are not alone and God is right by your side. My favorite verse to claim is Isaiah 41:10 where God says, “I will strengthen you and help you.” That’s a promise. Claim it!

• Temporary – try to view the hardest situations (ex. temper tantrums, teething, sickness) as temporary. Usually these child phases last a few weeks or months and then you’re on to the next challenge. Come up with some sort of mantra, like “This too shall pass” or “Nothing lasts forever”…whatever helps you to keep it in perspective.

Please comment below with what you do when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or how one of these tips has helped you!

“As we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:18

I love my husband. I love my kids. I prayed for a long time to find and marry a man as wonderful as my husband. I prayed for years to be able to have children. So why is it so hard to remember my love and to have a grateful attitude when days are tough? Why is it so hard to regain perspective?

Perhaps many times my emotions are an idol for me. When I’m tired and irritable, I snap at my husband and forget all the ways he’s blessed me. When I’m overwhelmed and at my wits end, I forget that my children are such a blessing for me.

I guess God knew that many of us would make an idol of our emotions, and that’s why he put the verse in the Bible that tells us in 2 Cor. 4:18 to “look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen.” Notice that He gives it as a command because it is our choice to CHOOSE what we look at or focus on, and that does NOT have to be dictated by our emotions.

So what things are “seen” (temporary)? feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, lonely, or irritable

What things are “unseen” (eternal)? Jesus’ death on the cross for me, eternal life, unconditional love, commitment

So practically speaking, how do I make sure to look to things that are unseen/eternal within my relationships?

With my husband:

• Remind myself how God brought us together
• Reminisce often
• Focus on his best attributes
• Focus on the good times
• Thank Jesus for him every day

With my kids:

• Remind myself how “children are a blessing from the Lord”
• Remember how long I prayed for them
• Thank Jesus for them every day
• Smile, sing, dance, and play often

So I want to encourage you today to CHOOSE to focus on the things that are unseen, rather than the things that are seen (or so often felt). CHOOSE to regain your perspective and to not make an idol out of your emotions.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

When you’re engaged, the infatuation and anticipation of marital bliss sweeps you off your feet. Then when you get married, there is a period of adjustment, usually lasting a year or so. Similar to being engaged, when you’re pregnant for the first time, you’re also on a high as you both eagerly wait to meet your baby. Then when you have your baby, there also is a period of adjustment, for yourself, as well as for the marriage itself. All of a sudden you find yourselves arguing more and cuddling less. All of a sudden you notice more of each other’s flaws and frequently become irritated with each other. What happened? Baby happened! Listed below are several ways that a baby can negatively affect a marriage, if you’re not careful, and also healthy ways to combat these challenges.

Less Time –

Prior to having the child, you all had all the time in the world – for each other and for yourselves. After having a baby, that time is few and far between. As a result, the tension mounts and you find yourself becoming more irritable with each other and less gracious with each other’s faults. In addition, you may also find yourself becoming more selfish with the alone time that you do have.

More Stress/Responsibility –

Since having baby, you realize that your responsibilities have increased TEN-fold. Where you used to do dishes every 2-3 days, now you have to do them at least once a day. Where you used to just have to worry about making meals for you and your spouse, now you spend most of your time making your baby’s meals. And so on. As a result, you find yourself resentful or frustrated at constant service to a needy child.

Less Energy –

Prior to having baby, all your energy was used for your own interests, as well as to serve each other. Now 99% of your energy goes to your child. So where does that leave your own hobbies? And where does that leave your spouse? Usually feeling neglected and alone.

New Infatuation –

Prior to having baby, many of your thoughts were wrapped up in each other. Now you spend 75% of the time thinking about or worrying about your child. Every new sound or look they give beckons your love and attention. Where you used to be enamored by your spouse’s musings, now you are enamored by your baby’s musings.

So as women, what are we to do? Simply succumb to this new way of being and a lifeless marriage? I think not! After giving it much thought, I’ve decided that marriages CAN thrive, even after babies. Here’s how!

Pray –

Pray each day that God will help you to balance being a wife AND mom. Pray that God will give you the strength to happily serve both your baby and your spouse. Pray that God will give you wisdom to know when and how to assert yourself in times of need. Pray that God gives you mom friends who can support you. Pray that God uses this transition to bring you and your spouse closer together.

Time with Jesus –

Take time with Jesus each day, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes. Ask your husband to help you have this time. During this time, try to disconnect, pray, journal, listen.

Self-care –

Spend time journaling, praying, exercising, and socializing with other moms. Don’t lose yourself (mentally or physically) in your baby. Do whatever you can to get back to you.

Simplify –

Cut out all of the extra stuff to focus on baby and marriage (even if that means cutting expenses and flex income so that you can work less and be at home more). Otherwise you may end up with a lifeless marriage.

Be intentional –

Be affectionate with your spouse. Reserve your energy for yourself and your spouse. Go on regular date nights (where you disconnect from life and connect with each other). Identify and work through problems that come up. Be creative with time together after baby goes to sleep (ex. read a couples’ book, do a puzzle, connect!). Reminisce and remember your first love.

Work together –

Ask for help. Divvy up chores. Be open to his ideas. Be sure to THANK him for what he does do to help, even if it’s not the way you would do it.

Play together –

Still find time to do fun things together. Be creative. This might mean playing a board game after baby goes to bed, or competing on puzzles or word games.

Change your perspective –

Even though it feels frustrating that your marriage just isn’t the same anymore, don’t give up and don’t lose hope. You can STILL have a happy marriage. Don’t give in to negative thinking. Choose DAILY to affirm yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. This is a grand adventure that you GET to share each day with each other.

Focus on the positive ways that having a baby has HELPED you and your marriage. For example, think of the joy and fulfillment that it has brought to your marriage. Additionally, it is hopefully helping each of you to learn how to humbly serve, to give more and take less. Hopefully it has also deepened your friendship and helped you to work as a team and depend on each other more.

Focus on your spouse’s good qualities more than his bad ones. This is a chance to fall in love again with your spouse in his new role as a father. For example, perhaps you’ve noticed new qualities in your spouse, such as his attentiveness, nurture, or protectiveness. Identify and affirm these qualities in him.

Give it time –

Just like it took time to adjust to your role as a wife, it will take just as long, if not longer, to adjust to your new role as a mother AND wife. It is a huge change, with lots of added responsibilities. Give yourself the time and space you need to learn to balance it all. You’ll figure it out. With Jesus’ help, you will survive AND thrive!

Please leave a comment below for things that you’ve done in your marriage to help keep the spark alive after kids!

Everyone knows that it is so very difficult to travel, especially to FLY on a plane, with young kids. It’s similar to being trapped in a cave with a screaming baby and 200 strangers (who are all wanting to sleep) lol. Yet we don’t want to give up traveling simply because we have kids, so hopefully some of these suggestions will help your trips to go more smoothly. Bon voyage!

Itinerary:
• Buy window seat tickets (as your kid will likely be more entertained looking out the window)
• Try to fly during nap times and not too early or too late in the day (as crankiness ensures)
• Ensure good sleep for yourself and kids the night before travel
• Check in online the night before (so that you can add “lap infant” to your boarding passes)

Airport:
• Transporting kids through airport: use baby carrier for under 1 year and collapsible stroller for 1-3 year olds
• Checking luggage: check car seat at ticket counter (free amenity)
• Gate: use the pre-boarding for small children (make sure to gate check the stroller)
• Carry-on: Maximize your carry-on or personal item by taking one backpack per person (can have 2+ year olds carry their own backpacks)

Plane:

Carry-on bag(s) for baby:

• Diapers
• Wipes
• Ziploc bags (for dirty diapers)
• Formula (lots! You never know how long you’ll be without your luggage)
• Bottle (can go through security with warm water in bottle)
• Burp cloth
• Light baby blanket (to cover his eyes from light so he can sleep as it is very bright on the plane)
• Two pacifiers (in case one gets lost)
• Teether or rattle
• Extra change of clothes (you can be sure a blow out will happen)

Carry-on bag(s) for toddler:

• Lots of snacks (dry cereal, mandarin oranges, ritz crackers with cheese, string cheese, gummies)
• Ziploc bags (for dirty diapers and half eaten food)
• Water bottle with water (fill up at gate)
• Small books
• Small toys (finger puppets, cars/trucks, window stickers to put on airplane window)
• Electronic device (pictures, app games, or pre-downloaded shows b/c you can’t always get service on the plane)
• Headphones (outer ear cheap ones)
• Extra change of clothes (you can be sure a blow out will happen)

Carry-on items for parent:

• Snacks (may not have time to eat during layover)
• Bottled water (fill up at gate, difficult to have an open drink on a plane because of mobile children)
• Eye mask (in case you get five minutes to rest your eyes)
• Extra t-shirt (for any baby fluids that may end up on your shirt)

Extras:

• If you’d like to sit by or near your spouse, go ahead and ask the gate attendant to change your seat assignments. If this doesn’t work, ask another person on the flight to switch seats with you so that you can sit with or near your spouse. Most of the time people are happy to make this switch.
• Sometimes it’s actually better for you and your spouse to split up. One of you sits with the baby (in a different row) and the other sits with the toddler (in a different row). That way the toddler will not keep messing with the baby and keeping him from sleeping.
• Have the baby or toddler chew or drink during takeoff and landing (to avoid ears hurting)
• When baby is tired, go ahead and rock to sleep. Avoid an overtired baby as much as possible, as this is what leads to the screaming for two hours straight on the plane (in my experience).

Please leave a comment below with how these suggestions might have benefited you or with additional ideas you may have.