“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” 3 John 1:4
As a born-again Christian, there are many ways that I am a counter-cultural parent. God has called me to different standards, and I view things through a different lens than my secular peers. Therefore, I am learning to only look to God, and not to society, to affirm my parenting decisions. In this blog I would like to outline some of my own spiritual convictions as a Christian parent vs. societal thinking and trends on parenting.
As a disclaimer, the purpose of this blog is not to criticize or cast judgment on anyone, or to demonstrate superiority in any way, and obviously these are generalizations that do not apply to every secular parent. I simply want to share some of my own personal convictions, as well as to encourage other Christian parents.
First of all, and probably the most fundamental difference, is that sometimes (not always) “society” views children as a rite of passage rather than a high calling from the Lord, which has several implications. If children are a rite of passage, then I don’t need to give them as much of my time, attention, or energy. I can fill my time with work and personal pursuits, and raise my children on the side.
In contrast, in the Garden of Eden, God said to Adam and Eve “Be fruitful and multiply,” which shows the calling (of some) for reproducing and having children. And if children are a high calling from the Lord, then they should take a very high priority in my life. Perhaps the Lord will call me to lay aside myself, my work, pursuits, goals, in order to raise my children for the glory of the Lord.
Secondly, there is a popular mindset among certain secular people that children are a burden and often get in the way of our own selfish pursuits. With this mindset, you should only have one or two children (just enough to keep with societal norms), you should survive the hard years as best as you can (and maybe resent them along the way), take as many solo or couple vacations as possible, and save money and plan for your own retirement and individual success.
In contrast, the Bible tells us that children are a “blessing from the Lord,” which has entirely different implications. If children are truly viewed as a blessing, then the Lord wants you to enjoy your children and truly value their own uniqueness/individuality, and maybe God will even call you to have several children. He may also ask you to lay aside self and focus on their personal and spiritual growth. Just as the Lord “rejoices” over us, He wants us to rejoice over our children.
Another common way of thinking among secular people is the idea that we should always control the number of children we have. If you don’t want to have children, simply put yourself on birth control or get a tubal ligation, and then you won’t have children. If you do want children, take yourself off of birth control for the exact period of time that you’d like a child, and then get back on the birth control right away.
For the Christian, however, God may first want us to pray about how many children we will have, and sometimes wait, trust His timing, and give it over to Him. And sometimes He may even call us to give the entire reproductive control over to Him. Sometimes it’s important to question our motives for not wanting more children. Is it based in specific reasons that He has brought to our minds? Such as spending more of our time in ministry, or for health reasons. Or is it based in anxiety and fear? Such as we already feel overwhelmed and fear that we can’t handle another one. As Christians, it’s important to consider our motives and bring them to the Lord.
Another mindset that I’ve observed among secular parents is this idea that we need to cling to the early years because they will go by fast and then we will miss those years and can’t get them back. While there is some truth in this idea, sometimes it is based in the secular concept that this earthly life is all we have, so we are to live each day as if it were your last. But in doing so, sometimes we have this unhealthy worship of time, or points in time, and then allow sadness to darken our thinking about our children’s present or future.
In contrast, as Christian parents, we should have a more eternal perspective. Our biggest goals for our children are their eternal salvation, their character growth, and that they would bring others to heaven along the way. As a result, though we may have a moment of sadness as we reminisce, ultimately we rejoice in their growth and development, as we see our prayers being answered, as our growing children are inviting Jesus into their hearts and being changed from the inside out.
Lastly, within a secular mindset, I think many times the goals of parenting are different. For instance, some times the primary goals seem to be social and academic success. The social goal translates into busy social calendars (year-round sports’ activities, time with peers/away from family, etc.) and a focus on image and appearance. The motivation is to look stylish and talk politely, in order to gain acceptance by others and achieve social status. The goal of academic success causes children to go to leave home and attend school at very young ages. It can also lead children to competitive mindsets, attempting to beat out their peers in various activities.
In contrast, within a Christian framework, the primary goal should be a child’s salvation and character. Therefore, this goal may result in a child going to school at a later age in order to stay home longer and gain a more solid character foundation, or perhaps it would result in a less busy social calendar to allow for more time with the family at home.
The Christian parent mindset may also result in a stronger focus on the heart vs. outward appearance. Just because a child says and does what is socially acceptable does not mean that his/her heart is right with the Lord. Hopefully a Christian parent prioritizes character development over social and academic achievement.
In summary, there are many differences that I see between secular and Christian-minded parents, yet I rarely hear these differences talked about. The danger in not identifying these differences is that as Christian parents, we may fall into some secular parenting trends without realizing it. Or we may look to others to get affirmation for our decisions, instead of looking to God. I hope and pray that our primary focus can be to “please God (in our parenting) and not men,” and that we can always have peace of mind knowing that we are seeking to follow His will for our lives and children. May He bless you abundantly as you seek His guidance in your parenting.