How to Stay Happily Married after Baby

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

When you’re engaged, the infatuation and anticipation of marital bliss sweeps you off your feet. Then when you get married, there is a period of adjustment, usually lasting a year or so. Similar to being engaged, when you’re pregnant for the first time, you’re also on a high as you both eagerly wait to meet your baby. Then when you have your baby, there also is a period of adjustment, for yourself, as well as for the marriage itself. All of a sudden you find yourselves arguing more and cuddling less. All of a sudden you notice more of each other’s flaws and frequently become irritated with each other. What happened? Baby happened! Listed below are several ways that a baby can negatively affect a marriage, if you’re not careful, and also healthy ways to combat these challenges.

Less Time –

Prior to having the child, you all had all the time in the world – for each other and for yourselves. After having a baby, that time is few and far between. As a result, the tension mounts and you find yourself becoming more irritable with each other and less gracious with each other’s faults. In addition, you may also find yourself becoming more selfish with the alone time that you do have.

More Stress/Responsibility –

Since having baby, you realize that your responsibilities have increased TEN-fold. Where you used to do dishes every 2-3 days, now you have to do them at least once a day. Where you used to just have to worry about making meals for you and your spouse, now you spend most of your time making your baby’s meals. And so on. As a result, you find yourself resentful or frustrated at constant service to a needy child.

Less Energy –

Prior to having baby, all your energy was used for your own interests, as well as to serve each other. Now 99% of your energy goes to your child. So where does that leave your own hobbies? And where does that leave your spouse? Usually feeling neglected and alone.

New Infatuation –

Prior to having baby, many of your thoughts were wrapped up in each other. Now you spend 75% of the time thinking about or worrying about your child. Every new sound or look they give beckons your love and attention. Where you used to be enamored by your spouse’s musings, now you are enamored by your baby’s musings.

So as women, what are we to do? Simply succumb to this new way of being and a lifeless marriage? I think not! After giving it much thought, I’ve decided that marriages CAN thrive, even after babies. Here’s how!

Pray –

Pray each day that God will help you to balance being a wife AND mom. Pray that God will give you the strength to happily serve both your baby and your spouse. Pray that God will give you wisdom to know when and how to assert yourself in times of need. Pray that God gives you mom friends who can support you. Pray that God uses this transition to bring you and your spouse closer together.

Time with Jesus –

Take time with Jesus each day, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes. Ask your husband to help you have this time. During this time, try to disconnect, pray, journal, listen.

Self-care –

Spend time journaling, praying, exercising, and socializing with other moms. Don’t lose yourself (mentally or physically) in your baby. Do whatever you can to get back to you.

Simplify –

Cut out all of the extra stuff to focus on baby and marriage (even if that means cutting expenses and flex income so that you can work less and be at home more). Otherwise you may end up with a lifeless marriage.

Be intentional –

Be affectionate with your spouse. Reserve your energy for yourself and your spouse. Go on regular date nights (where you disconnect from life and connect with each other). Identify and work through problems that come up. Be creative with time together after baby goes to sleep (ex. read a couples’ book, do a puzzle, connect!). Reminisce and remember your first love.

Work together –

Ask for help. Divvy up chores. Be open to his ideas. Be sure to THANK him for what he does do to help, even if it’s not the way you would do it.

Play together –

Still find time to do fun things together. Be creative. This might mean playing a board game after baby goes to bed, or competing on puzzles or word games.

Change your perspective –

Even though it feels frustrating that your marriage just isn’t the same anymore, don’t give up and don’t lose hope. You can STILL have a happy marriage. Don’t give in to negative thinking. Choose DAILY to affirm yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. This is a grand adventure that you GET to share each day with each other.

Focus on the positive ways that having a baby has HELPED you and your marriage. For example, think of the joy and fulfillment that it has brought to your marriage. Additionally, it is hopefully helping each of you to learn how to humbly serve, to give more and take less. Hopefully it has also deepened your friendship and helped you to work as a team and depend on each other more.

Focus on your spouse’s good qualities more than his bad ones. This is a chance to fall in love again with your spouse in his new role as a father. For example, perhaps you’ve noticed new qualities in your spouse, such as his attentiveness, nurture, or protectiveness. Identify and affirm these qualities in him.

Give it time –

Just like it took time to adjust to your role as a wife, it will take just as long, if not longer, to adjust to your new role as a mother AND wife. It is a huge change, with lots of added responsibilities. Give yourself the time and space you need to learn to balance it all. You’ll figure it out. With Jesus’ help, you will survive AND thrive!

Please leave a comment below for things that you’ve done in your marriage to help keep the spark alive after kids!