How to Stay Happily Married after Baby (Part 2)

While the first article I wrote (“How to Stay Happily Married After Baby”) was about staying happily married after you have your first baby together, this article is more related to staying happily married after you have your second (or third) baby together (but many of the principles can be applied to either situation).

My husband and I both agree that the transition from one to two kids has had a different set of advantages and challenges (on the marriage) than the transition to one child did.

Regarding advantages, with the second child, we are more knowledgeable about babies (and therefore less anxious), more skilled at working as a parenting team (and therefore not arguing over every little thing), and also more ready and prepared, as we knew better what to expect.

Regarding challenges, with the second child, there is twice as much work to do, which results in more stress and even less time together. Also, the second child isn’t as new and exciting as the first one, so that element isn’t there to take the edge off. And lastly, you are getting less sleep with having both a baby and a toddler than when you just had one baby.

Needless to say, although the transition has been somewhat difficult on our marriage, we are learning to manage, better and better with each month that passes. And I’m sure we will continue to learn more as time goes on.

Instead of viewing this season of our marriage as just something to survive and get through, I want to make it something enjoyable for both of us. I want us both to look back on this time period of young kids with affection and fondness, towards our kids, and also towards each other.

So here are some things that my husband and I have learned to do (or try to do) in order for our marriage to thrive during this season of parenting young children. Maybe one or two of these suggestions will be helpful for you and your marriage.

Prioritize Sleep

Going from one to two kids means even less sleep than before. And we all know that little sleep leads to agitation and arguing with each other. As a result, it is so important that you prioritize getting sleep. You cannot effectively work on your marriage until you are getting decent rest. So invest in the sleep training books, hire a babysitter, whatever it takes. Just do your best to get some sleep.

Say Three Things You Appreciate

It is so easy to feel unappreciated by your spouse for all of the things you do, for your kids, for your home, and for your marriage. Over time, feeling unappreciated can lead to feelings of bitterness and resentment. During times when we have felt this way, we have learned to say three SPECIFIC things at the end of each day that we appreciate that the other person did. For example, one of us might say, “I appreciate you watching the kids for an hour today so that I could go for a walk” or “I appreciate you cleaning up the kitchen today.” We have found this intentional thanking to really be a blessing for our marriage, especially during this season of constant service and giving of one’s self.

Ten Minutes of Talk Time (Uninterrupted)

When you have small kids, it is so difficult to have uninterrupted conversations with your spouse. Over time, if you’re not careful, you may start limiting your conversations altogether, due to the frustrations over being interrupted. As a result, we have learned (and been advised) that it helps us to stay better connected by putting the kids in their rooms/cribs, and spending at least ten minutes a day talking together (without the kids present). We feel that this action will help to keep us close and connected, and I really think it will help your relationship too.

Give Each Other Breaks

My husband and I each need some alone time in order to feel rejuvenated and refreshed. If we don’t get this time, we end up being more irritable with each other and sometimes also with the kids. As a result, we have learned to give each other breaks from the kids. Ideally this would happen daily, but if not, just as often as we are able to do it. Sometimes it might offering to watch the kids so that the other one can go on a walk/run, read a book, or go for a drive. We just know that these breaks are vital to our own personal health and to the health of our marriage.

Go on Family Walks

Sometimes it really helps to take the edge off of things for us to go outside on a family walk together. A hike through the woods is sometimes just what we need to regain perspective and clear thinking. It also helps to keep my son occupied so that my husband and I can talk. Also, being in nature really helps to connect us as a family, as we are able to bond together over the beauty around us, and also over witnessing the wonder of a child.

Schedule Dates and Overnight Trips

With the more kids you have, the less couple time you have together. As a result, we have found it to be more important now than ever before to schedule dates and overnight trips. We try to do a date every 2-3 weeks, but I would advise doing them on a weekly basis, as it would give each person something to look forward to each week. We have also been on a few overnight trips without the kids, and this has been very rejuvenating for our marriage. Something about being away for a whole day and night really helps you to unwind and to remember why you fell in love.

Please comment below if this article has been helpful for you, or if you can relate to some of the topics presented. I’d love to hear your thoughts!