Matters of the Home

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

As a mother, I often feel like I am “failing” or “falling short” in some way. Sometimes it hits me multiple times a day…

It could be that I notice another one of my son’s weaknesses, which I immediately blame myself for. I think, “Maybe I should’ve held him more and he wouldn’t be so fussy” or “Maybe I should’ve disciplined him more and he wouldn’t be so argumentative” or “Maybe I shouldn’t coddle him so much and he wouldn’t be so clingy.” You get the point. The list goes on and on. I often blame myself for any and all of the shortcomings of my children.

I also often blame myself for any mess within the home. I think, “Man, I should’ve found more time to clean more of the house today” or “Man, why can’t I keep up with the dishes better? Something’s not right if I always have a sink full of dirty dishes.”

Other things that I may blame myself for: not spending enough time in play with my children, not ignoring my children enough, letting my kids watch too much TV, not reading enough to my kids, letting my kids snack, not making them enough healthy meals, not disciplining them enough or in the right way, and the list goes ON AND ON.

Before becoming a parent, I never found myself blaming myself for SO many things in my life! It seems that if something isn’t right on the mark with my children, my marriage, or my home, then I blame myself.

But here’s the thing…maybe God doesn’t expect perfection – in my marriage, in my parenting, or in my home. As John 3:30 depicts, “He must become greater; I must become less.” Maybe through it all, He expects more of HIM and less of ME. That means more of His GRACE and more of His ABILITY (not mine).

In other words, when I notice a weakness in some area of my child, my marriage, or my home, instead of beating myself up for it, I need to surrender that issue to immediately to Him.

For example, my prayer could be, “Dear God, I see that my child has an issue of indulgence. Please sanctify Him of this issue. Please guide me in effective ways to manage this behavior, but ultimately I know that You are the one who changes hearts, not me. Therefore I surrender my son’s sin to You. Cover it with YOUR grace and restore Him to Your character. I give him to You. Amen.”

If I notice a weakness within myself, yes I need to always strive to improve, but I also need to extend myself more GRACE and also more TRUST. Instead of, “You should’ve done better or you should’ve known better,” I can pray, “Dear God, I know that I am not as firm as I need to be with my children sometimes, but I also know that You don’t shame me for that, so help me not to shame myself. I know that You are working in my life to sanctify me and grow me. Give me wisdom and discernment for when to be firm and when to be loving. Help me to be in tune with you as I go throughout the day. Help me to continue to strive for growth in this area, without giving in to a sense of shame and doubt. Grow me in my firmness and consistency in discipline. I trust You in this process. And in the meantime, make up the difference in the characters of my children. In Your name I pray, Amen.”

As a parent, we are often tempted to take the place of God – by casting judgment on ourselves and on our children, by taking responsibility for every little thing, and so on. But at the end of the day, we need to remember that we are NOT God. Rather, we are simply broken vessels that He uses. The more we surrender our selves, our marriages, and our children to God, the more He can finish the work.

Lately, I have really been convicted on this point – that I do way too much thinking and not enough praying. All day long I need to utter prayers of confession and prayers of surrender. After all, prayer is so much more effective than blaming myself for things.

Going forward, may I do more PRAYING and less BLAMING. May my home be filled with more of Him and less of me.

“In His defense Jesus said to them, “My Father is always at His work to this very day, and I too am working.” John 5:17

As a stay-at-home mother of three little ones – I am quite busy taking care of the kids and the house. Throughout the day there aren’t many breaks, and as soon as I sit down, I usually have to get up quickly to put out another “fire” – clean up a mess, comfort a crying child, intercede in a fight, etc. The tasks of the day are never done – from changing diapers, getting kids dressed (and re-dressed), cooking meals, feeding the kids, putting someone down for a nap, doing the dishes, putting away the laundry, etc. Often it feels that I’m a rat on a spinning wheel that just can’t catch up to what’s in front of her. It seems the “work is never done,” as they say.

Despite all this, my busyness somehow evades my children. No matter how messy the kitchen (dishes piled up to the faucet), how dirty the floor (mud tracks everywhere), how many clothes to fold (enough piled on the bed to hide someone for weeks), my kids seem to always think that I have the time – the time to chit chat, time to play, time to run around, etc. Often times I will literally be in the middle of serving them in ONE way, such as cooking them a meal, when they are asking me to do several other things for them at the same time – “Mommy, can you help put my shoe on?” “Mommy, can you read me a story?” “Mommy, can you build a train with me?” Many times I will stop what I’m doing to help them, but sometimes I’m not able to.

Whenever they ask me to do something for them, many times they can’t see that 1) I’m busy doing something else and 2) that what I’m busy doing is working for them already in some other way.  It’s like my time and my work is completely invisible to them. Developmentally, they are too small to see the big picture and see everything that I’m already doing for them, every minute of every day.

Additionally, many times I’m working on something way ahead of time that they haven’t even sensed their need for yet. For instance, I may start cooking supper at noon (in the pressure cooker) and then at 5:00pm they start bellowing, “Mommy, I’m hungry!” What they don’t know is that I’ve already anticipated their hunger and worked ahead to meet that need.

Similarly, this reminds me of the Bible verse where Jesus said, “My Father is always at His work to this very day, and I too am working” (John 5:17).

Oftentimes, in our relationship with God, we behave just like little children. We constantly see our own needs and wants, ask for those things, and neglect to see that God is already at work – for the needs/wants that we realize, and even for those that we don’t yet realize.

Just as a parent is ALWAYS working for their children, God is ALWAYS, and even more so, working for us. And unlike a human parent who eats, sleeps, and takes breaks, God NEVER takes a break. He is always working hard for us – interceding on our behalf and meeting our present AND future needs.

And like little children, we often don’t see the big picture and don’t appreciate all He is doing on our behalf. Let me assure you that God loves you a million times more than a parent loves his/her child, AND He is much more equipped to provide for YOU than a parent can provide for his/her child.

If only we would realize and remember this more, then perhaps we wouldn’t question Him or circumstances in our lives quite as much. Perhaps we would trust Him, trust that He is ALWAYS working for our good, and that He has already met each felt and unfelt need. He searches the heart and goes so much deeper than a parent ever could.

Maybe your need today is hope, companionship, peace, comfort, rest, or strength. Whatever it is, He is there, He is working, and He will provide.

“Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave–just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28

I’m sure many of us have heard the phrase, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Usually it is said in order to motivate someone (especially mothers) to invest more in self-care, activities such as putting on makeup, going to the gym, drinking enough water, and taking time for yourself.  As a professional counselor, I myself have many times tried to encourage people to engage in self-care, even using this phrase, or similar phrasing. In general, I think this IS a healthy concept, but sometimes this phrase can be damaging. Let me explain.

If this is ALL we are ever telling people, then what happens during times in our lives when we CAN’T engage in self-care? Times in our lives when MORE is being asked of us and we ARE pouring from an “empty cup?”

For example, since having my third child, many times I feel as if I AM pouring from an “empty cup.” So far I have not been able to keep up with things as well, or to resume my normal self-care activities, such as wearing makeup everyday, going running, eating regular healthy meals, and drinking lots of water. I also have not been able to engage in my usual hobbies or achieve personal goals. Often this leaves me feeling FRUSTRATED or even GUILTY that I’m NOT engaging in as much self-care. But the reality is that taking care of three young children literally does take ALL of my time and energy, at least for now, especially with some of the random health issues of my third child.

Maybe you have a sick child/parent OR you are going through some other crisis, and the situation is requiring ALL of your time and energy. Usually the situation is temporary, maybe weeks, months, or even years, but during this time you can’t operate like you used to, and you have to buckle down and put someone else’s needs ABOVE your own, without expecting anything in return.

If you are expecting self-care during these times, and don’t get it, you could become RESENTFUL, or perhaps feel GUILTY that you can’t exercise, engage in a hobby, or whatever it is. As a result, it seems to me that sometimes the idea of self-care could be an over-simplification, not allowing for the different seasons and levels of service we may be called to in our lives.

I don’t think anything has taught me to serve more than motherhood. With each child that I have (currently I have three kids ages four and under), God calls me to more and more service, away from self and more towards Him. In Isaiah 53:12, it says that Jesus “poured out His life unto death.” Now I know that we as humans are NOT Jesus, but I also know that as disciples of Jesus we are called to a similar life of service and self-sacrifice. In Matthew 20:28 it says “whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave.”

Somehow our culture makes it out to be that service is a bad thing and self-care is the “be all and end all,” but perhaps it’s not so simple. Perhaps service is a holy calling and perhaps self-care will come at the right time and in the right way, but without our constant demands for it.  

At the same time, I do think self-care is important and healthy, and no matter what season of life, we can always prioritize being healthy–in big ways OR in small ways. Currently in my life, I want to take the pressure and guilt off of myself, and I want to pray specific prayers like, “God, please let me know the right time to get back to the same level of fitness, and help me to have peace with that time frame.” OR “God, please tell me what is a realistic exercise plan for this stage of my life and give me the self-discipline to stick with it.”

Also, if I am “pouring from an empty cup,” then my prayer could be:

“Lord, please FILL MY CUP in ways that only YOU know how. Perhaps this season of service (with smaller aspects to self-care) will help me to rely MORE on You, Jesus, and LESS on myself.”

To quote the hymn, “Fill my cup, Lord, fill it up and make me whole.”

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:29-30

“Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Psalm 55:22

The “burdens” of motherhood. Wow, it can feel almost intolerable. Since becoming a mother, I can’t believe how many “things” I hold on to. In talking with my therapist, she has helped me to realize that perhaps the “things” that I hold on to contribute greatly to feeling overwhelmed with my kids. Yes, the kids have needy, sometimes annoying, behaviors that drain my energies, but perhaps the burdens that I carry also drain my energies.

It seems that each day brings a new set of “burdens,” or things that I hold on to in my head, aka my thoughts. For me, my primary negative thoughts or emotions usually center around guilt, or “should” statements. A few examples: I shouldn’t have yelled at him, I should be playing with the kids more, I should be cleaning my house right now, I should have held him more as a baby, I should, shouldn’t, or should have…

Worry is another burden that I often hold on to. I worry for my children’s skills, abilities, character, etc. For example, will he ever learn to count correctly? Will he ever learn to listen better? Will the tantrums ever stop? And after so many of these thoughts, by the end of the day I’m exhausted! Both by the kids’ behaviors, but also by my own burdens that I bear.

Other days I am burdened by my anxiety, perhaps anxious that I have so many things to do and how will I ever get them done in time? One thing that I have learned to try to do is in the morning to surrender my “to do” list to God, telling Him that I have a lot to do, but to trust that He will help me to prioritize my tasks with the amount of time I have. And then it is my choice to let go of whatever I don’t get done, rather than holding on to the anxiety of it.  

Other days I am just very tired and in some ways I hold on to that tired feeling by continually reminding myself how tired I am, or worrying that I won’t get through the day. I dream about sleep and then sometimes sleep doesn’t come as easily.

In dealing with these “burdens,” many of us cope in different ways. Sometimes we cry a little, eat a dessert, dream of a break, vent to our husband or a friend, and other times we scroll our phones hoping for relief by viewing happiness on the other side of the screen. At the end of the day, I’ve found that these coping mechanisms frequently let us down, as they are not lasting and really do not cure the problem. Why? Because in so doing, we continue to hold on to our burdens and haven’t really let them go.

Jesus knew that we would have burdens, especially as mothers. In Psalms 55:22, it says, “Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you.” It doesn’t say to cast your burden on other things, but primarily to cast them on Him. What a gracious God we serve that would take on, or even welcome our burdens!

So next time that I am feeling burdened by motherhood, I want to ask God, “Lord, what am I holding on to here? Is it worry, fear, guilt, stress, or something else?” And I know that in response He will quickly show me.

And then I hope that I am able to LET IT GO…to let GO of the burden, and no longer choose to hold on to it (because really it IS a choice). May I cast that burden on the Lord, realizing that I am an imperfect mother, but that He is a perfect God. I will make mistakes, but His grace can and will make up the difference in my parenting.  

When I’m guilty, let me receive His grace.

When I’m anxious, let me claim His promises of peace.

When I’m frustrated, let me talk to Him about it.

When I’m tired, may I find my rest in Him. 

When you’re burdened, lay down your burdens at HIS feet. Experience the freedom that comes with surrender, and let it go, mama, let it go.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

As a SAHM of a three year old and one year old, there are days when I think I might lose my mind. Typical scenario: The one year old crying and clinging to me, the three year old pooping his pants (as we undergo potty training) and then throwing a tantrum for me not to clean him up. Most of the time I can keep my cool, but some days, tension mounts and I just snap…can you relate?

The other day I put my two kids to bed, and then had to go into their room three times in a row, as my three year old son just wouldn’t settle down. The third time that I went into his room, I scolded him, and what he did next broke my heart. He covered his face with his hand and then crouched down in the bed. It’s as if he thought that I was going to actually hurt him or something. I’ve never hit my son in the face. I’ve only ever spanked him on the leg or bottom (and never leaving a mark or anything). So it broke my heart for him to cower in fear.

It was then I realized that I needed Jesus’ grace to forgive me for the times that I’ve spanked him in anger. Apparently for a three year old, he can’t differentiate between a spanking in anger on the butt or getting hit somewhere else. Either way, I felt very ashamed and wanted to cower in shame for the times I’ve lost my temper with him.

In my shame, Jesus lifted me up. He reminded me of the Bible verse that says that “His mercies are new each morning.” I humbly asked His forgiveness and asked for help to never spank my son in anger again. The next day I also apologized to my son and reminded him that I would never hit him in the face or hurt him.  

As mothers of littles, there will be times that we will lose our temper with our children, but it is important that we use those instances to learn and grow. It is important that we meet Jesus at the foot of the cross and humbly ask for His forgiveness, and turn from our sins. In so doing, I guarantee that He will meet you where you are and offer His precious peace and pardon, reminding you that today is a new day, full of grace and forgiveness.