Matters of the Home

Key Text: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, oh God, You will not despise.” (Psalms 51:17)

What does it mean to be “broken”? And further, what does it mean to be “broken together”? These words are the title of a Casting Crowns song that really personifies a core value for me – vulnerability with one another, as well as the purpose for my blog.

All of us are “broken,” but many of us aren’t yet aware of it. We can try to look nice on the outside and say all the right things, but deep down there is “nothing good in us” (Romans 7:18). Deep down we are flawed, and we are also in desperate need. We need help to be happy, help to truly love, and help to be at peace (to name a few).

If you are a Christian, then you have recognized and admitted your need when you accepted Christ as your personal Savior. You have followed the aforementioned verse, “the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, oh God, You will not despise.” (Psalms 51:17).

Despite this fact, admitting your need and reaching out for help is not a once in a lifetime occurrence. Paul says, “I die daily” (1 Cor. 15:31), implying an ongoing sense of “brokenness.” On a daily basis, do we recognize and admit our need of help and healing? For example, would you be able to answer the following questions: What are the biggest areas of temptation in your life? Which Ten Commandments are you more inclined to break? As Christians, we should have on ongoing sense of our struggle with the sinful nature.

Secondly, though you may practice repentance to God on a daily basis, do you experience brokenness with those around you? James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” It’s interesting how part of the healing process comes in the community experience. Additionally, Galatians 6:2 tells us, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” So not only is transparency part of healing, it’s also a mandate for us as Christians!

In one of my favorite books, “The Naked Soul,” the author, Tim Gardner, talks about the importance of being vulnerable with other people. In this book, he poses an interesting question…if God could have fulfilled all of Adam’s needs, then why did He choose to create Eve? Could it be because God chose to create Adam with a need for community? A need that God Himself chose not to completely fill? God values authentic relationships so much! That’s why He exists within a triune relationship Himself – God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. That’s also why when He was on the earth, Jesus needed His disciples to pray for Him in the Garden of Gethsemane, and He was hurt and disappointed when they failed to do this.

If God Himself needs relationship, then how much more do we flawed human beings need relationships? And by relationships, I don’t mean a simple “How are you?” or “Happy Sabbath” greeting and wave. Instead, I mean naked, unashamed, soulful relationships, the kind where we confide in each other about our fears, temptations, and worries. Just like the early church, we are to be “in one accord.” We are to “break bread and pray together daily” (Acts 2:46). When we enter those church doors each Sabbath, do we know the heartaches of our brothers and sisters in Christ? Do we daily confess to one another, pray for one another, and bear each other’s burdens? If not, then I encourage each one of us to start today. Experience this healing that only comes within the community experience. It has been life-changing for me, and I know that it will be for you as well.

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (1 Cor. 13:12)

As a child, we long for the days when we can be free and do whatever we want. As a young adult, we long for the days when we can travel and see the world. Hopefully, by middle age, we have figured out that having more freedom and seeing beautiful sites only take us so far in life. For you see, while these attributes are wonderful blessings in life, we were created for more. We were created for connection, connection with God and with others.

By “connection,” I don’t mean small talk or friendships that come and go. By “connection,” I’m referring to deep, personal conversations with people who truly love AND accept you for you. Have you experienced that kind of connection? Do you know what it’s like? It’s amazing! It’s powerful! And it’s what we were created for! That’s why we feel lonely sometimes, because deep down we long for this type of connection, with God and with others.

As a counselor, one of the most common presenting problems for my clients is loneliness (either past or present). In fact, I find that many times this loneliness and lack of connection leads to many types of addictions, such as pornography or food addictions. And doesn’t that make sense? Because if we were created for connection, then a lack of connection creates a void in us. So then we try to escape that disconnection through momentary pleasures that ease the pain.

Perhaps you’ve experienced this type of loneliness, where you actually ache inside and don’t feel like you belong. It is an awful way to feel, and at some point in your life you WILL feel it…because we live in a fallen world, and we were made for more.

After personally experiencing this type of loneliness, I have been reminded: 1) To pour out my heart to Jesus whenever I am sad or hurting 2) To seek out close connections with others whenever I can (and appreciate the ones I already have)  3) To be more compassionate towards others who may show their ugly side because of their own loneliness 4) To realize that in this world we will always have some sense of loneliness and disconnection.

Recently I listened to a podcast called “Relational Longings” by Janet Aucoin on Revive our Hearts, which helped to inspire some of my thought processes in writing this blog. In this podcast, Janet brings up a good point…do you think that Adam and Eve were lonely as they walked with God in the garden each day? No of course not! Janet postulates that they probably didn’t even know what the word “loneliness” meant. Could you imagine never feeling lonely for even a split second in your life? That’s what it means to walk with God in the fullest sense.

In 1 Corinthians 13:12, Paul says it perfectly: “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” As you think towards heaven, can you imagine seeing God face to face, and feeling 100% completely LOVED and ACCEPTED by Him? I can guarantee you that no one else in your life fully knows you and yet fully accepts you the way God does. Even those closest to us don’t fully know us, often get irritated with us, and many times just put up with us as best as they can. In contrast, God fully knows us and never “puts up with us.” Instead, He cherishes, loves, and sings over us – our sense of humor, our personality, our quarks, all of it!

So while we are on this earth, let us appreciate those who do love and accept us, strive for deeper connection whenever we can, but ultimately realize and look forward to the day when we shall “know…(and be) fully known.” Amen!

Key Text: “There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance…” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

From our childhoods, we all receive spoken and unspoken messages from our parents. One common unspoken message that often pervades conservative Christian homes is to be happy all the time. Our churches inadvertently give these messages as well, such as the lyrics for many of our children’s songs. For example, the song that says, “I’m in right, out right, up right, down right, happy all the time.” So if I’m a Christian, am I supposed to be “happy all the time?”

As a counselor, I often have clients who are so out of touch with their own negative emotions. In fact, they are unable to answer a simple question such as, “Tell me a recent time that you felt sad or frustrated.” Instead they will reply, “Well I try to just stay happy and ignore any negative feelings.” So is this state of denial healthy? As parents, is this shallow happiness what we want to instill in our children? And is this message any different than the message that the world is sending?

It’s interesting because our secular culture portrays a similar, hedonistic message, that the point of life is to “live and let live” or similarly, “carpe diem” (“seize the day.”) Our movies say “follow your heart” or “do whatever makes you happy.” And so often in secular circles, you still find a false sense of happiness with live-in-the-moment little joys (ex. “gotta get my coffee fix for the day”).

Many times it seems that whether you are in Christian or secular circles, there is this shallow sense of community where the only acceptable emotion is happiness. But as Christians, we should be different.

When Jesus was on earth, was He happy all the time? No, He wasn’t. In fact, John 11:35 tells us that “Jesus wept” after his close friend Lazarus passed away. He wept for his friends who were mourning around Him, but likely also wept for those that did not believe in His power to resurrect.

Similarly, in the Bible we find all of the following emotions linked to Jesus:

“Jesus felt compassion; he was angry, indignant, and consumed with zeal; he was troubled, greatly distressed, very sorrowful, depressed, deeply moved, and grieved; he sighed; he wept and sobbed; he groaned; he was in agony; he was surprised and amazed; he rejoiced very greatly and was full of joy; he greatly desired, and he loved.” (taken from: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/1997/february3/7t2042.html)

So if Jesus experienced all types of emotions, then why do we think that negative emotions are sinful? In addition, all types of emotions are referenced throughout the Bible. For example, “Be anxious for nothing.” Question: How can I be anxious for nothing if I don’t take the time to recognize my own anxiety?

You see, there are two main reasons that I believe God wants us to admit to our negative emotions. For one thing, that is what surrender is all about. For example, Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.” Notice that the anger itself is not the sin, but dealing with that anger in an unhealthy way is a sin. So therefore we need to own up to the anger and then many times surrender that anger to God.

Secondly, I believe God wants us to own up to our negative emotions so that we can experience true community. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” How can I weep with someone if I have never experienced my own sadness and grief? It is through going through our own dark valleys that we are able to sit with others in their dark valleys. In addition, many times God uses others to help us through our own trials.

Lastly, Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us, “(There is) a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance…” If you are honest with yourself, what time is it for you right now? Don’t be afraid of facing your sadness or you’re anger. For in facing it, that is how you surrender, how you overcome, and how you experience true community with those around you.